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2 time ovarian cancer Survivor, Advocate for ovarian cancer awareness & research, Teacher of Zen Method Tai Chi, Blogger, sharing the wonderment and power of essential oils, proud fan of Cathe Friedrich's workouts, Reiki practitoner, A Course in Miracles student, paper crafter

Friday, January 28, 2011

Cancer Craziness

Cancer messes with your head, sometimes more than others. Mentally, I just came out of one of those big messes. I've been under-going some genetic testing to see if a genetic mutation was the reason for my two cancers. To be perfectly honest, I was actually hoping that I had a mutated gene so that my cancers would have a reasonable explanation. Also, a genetic mutation would mean that my weight didn't play a big role in the reason for having cancer twice. 

What an idiotic way to think and to want!! I didn't fully realize how idiotic it was until I realized that IF I had tested positive that my sisters, nieces, nephews, and Mom would need to be tested also. Then IF they also had the mutated gene they would face full hysterectomies and possible mastectomies. Here's a Fact Sheet. It's a terrible and scary issue, even though knowledge is power. 

A couple weeks ago I found out that I do not have any genetic mutations. Instead of feeling relieved and happy (which is how I should have felt!), I felt sad and frustrated because I wanted a reason. I wanted an answer to the big WHY ME? question. At the time I thought that if I didn't have a gene mutation to explain the cancers then the only explanation for the cancers was my weight. Feeling that I caused myself to 'get' cancer two times was sickening and depressing. My cancer craziness had me blaming myself and feeling terrible inside. 

Thankfully, I have a wonderful, wise, and strong support system. My genetic counselor very patiently explained that there are hundreds of environmental factors that can lead to cancers that scientists just don't fully understand yet. There are also other gene mutations that science hasn't yet pin-pointed. He was reassuring and kind, and I was a crying nearly hysterically. My oncology nutritionist had similar reassurances when I met with her recently. There were no tears or hysterics, lucky for her.

After hearing it from 2 professionals in the field of cancer treatment, my self-blame didn't have much validity. I am believing more and more that the cancers are not my fault. I am showing myself love and kindness each day with self-Reiki, eating healthy anti-cancer foods, exercising consistently and joyfully, and keeping an attitude of thankfulness. Cancer craziness #398 curtailed... 

It took me a few weeks to decide whether to write about this here, but I want this blog to be inspirational, motivational, informational and honest so that everyone who reads it now and in the future gets the truth of my life and the role that cancer has played in it. Cancer sucks. I make many of my cancer-related experiences humorous, because it's easier for me and the people who surround me (physically and electronically) to deal with that way. Humor softens the blow. I can laugh at my helmet head hair do, and it makes me feel better about it. However,  there are some things about this cancer experience that just aren't funny. This is one of those situations. My heart and prayers go out to anyone who has a genetic mutation. My daily prayer is for peace, love and a cure for us all. 

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