About Me

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2 time ovarian cancer Survivor, Advocate for ovarian cancer awareness & research, Teacher of Zen Method Tai Chi, Blogger, sharing the wonderment and power of essential oils, proud fan of Cathe Friedrich's workouts, Reiki practitoner, A Course in Miracles student, paper crafter

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Test Result, Guilt and Inner Peace

Yes, I still remember that I'm a Blogger. No, I haven't forgotten about you, dear readers. Writing here often gets pushed down to the end of my list because there are so many other issues and people that deserve and require my attention. This blog is about me and I deserve attention too, of course. It's my therapy, and I hope that it serves as a kind of therapy for you. 

The other issue I've had with blogging is figuring out how to blog about all the things I want to write about and mix it together well. Oh, and I tend to over think things which can lead to procrastination. Can you relate? I'd really like to have the time and brain space to come up with a creative and pretty way to make it work.

In the meantime, I'm working on a clever title for a Facebook Fan Page (do I have fans???) for my Zen Method certification process and beyond (cue Buzz Lightyear voice). That will overlap into things I would blog about... and may actually spill into this blog when I have a lot to say. If you have any title suggestions, I'd love to hear them!! 

My last post had a cliff hanger, my CA-125 (ovarian cancer tumor marker blood test) results pending. A friend actually asked me about it last week. Yay someone is reading!! I have assumed, hopefully incorrectly, that all of my readers are my real-life friends or Facebook friends who have already heard this fabulous news. My apologizes. 

I'm very happy to share that my CA-125 result remains at *3*. Anything under 35 is considered 'normal'. I'm deeply grateful. And relieved because there's so much more I want to do and experience in this beautiful life.

A new friend, and Teal Sister, gently asked me recently if I ever feel guilty for being in Remission. I empathetically replied- YES! There are moments when guilt and unworthiness flood every part of me. I'd trade places with a any mother, or young girl, with ovarian (or any!) cancer in a heartbeat if I could. Children need their mothers, I certainly need mine and I'm in my 30s! And young girls deserve a chance to experience and create their lives without the burdens and scars of disease.

I could spend my mental and emotional energy on guilt, and it would just make me miserable and not help anyone. So I choose not to feel guilty or think guilty thoughts. It's a concentrated effort, truly a choice I make everyday. Sometimes I have to remind myself several times a day. Sometimes I cry for release. I ask God for help countless times each day. 

This year I've learned  how much power my thoughts hold. It boils down to these quotes:

I choose to be grateful, happy and at peace with myself and my Remission status every morning. I'm becoming  increasingly better at choosing which thoughts and emotions can stay and stopping those that don't serve me. It's work, it's mindfulness, it's sometimes really tough. It's worth it. I'm worth it. You are worth it. 

I've spent most of my life waiting for someone to fix me, to heal me, to tell me what to do next. I've realized this year- thanks to several Divine interventions- that I don't need to be fixed- I'm already whole and healed as part of The Divine. What I've really been waiting on is myself to realize that I am a deeply Love part of God, and that I have the ability to create the life I want with my thoughts. The first step is to get my thoughts under control, and then keenly focus on what I do want in my life. This requires, absolutely requires meditation of at least 1 form. It's taken me a very long time- over 30 years and 2 cancer journeys - to GET IT. But now I do and that's what matters. 

So instead of feeling guilty, I'm choosing to use my good health to advocate for my Teal Sisters of the past, current and future so that we all may blissfully live out our lives we choose for ourselves. I choose to laugh and play with my nieces and nephews, and wonder at their Light and young wisdom. I choose to think Loving and kind thoughts about people, even those that I disagree with or aren't particularly fond of for some silly human reason. I choose to seek and experience Peace. 

Enter in Inner Peace for Inner Tough's Zen Method certification journey.... Coincidence? Certainly not!