Test Result, Guilt and Inner Peace

Yes, I still remember that I'm a Blogger. No, I haven't forgotten about you, dear readers. Writing here often gets pushed down to the end of my list because there are so many other issues and people that deserve and require my attention. This blog is about me and I deserve attention too, of course. It's my therapy, and I hope that it serves as a kind of therapy for you. 

The other issue I've had with blogging is figuring out how to blog about all the things I want to write about and mix it together well. Oh, and I tend to over think things which can lead to procrastination. Can you relate? I'd really like to have the time and brain space to come up with a creative and pretty way to make it work.

In the meantime, I'm working on a clever title for a Facebook Fan Page (do I have fans???) for my Zen Method certification process and beyond (cue Buzz Lightyear voice). That will overlap into things I would blog about... and may actually spill into this blog when I have a lot to say. If you have any title suggestions, I'd love to hear them!! 

My last post had a cliff hanger, my CA-125 (ovarian cancer tumor marker blood test) results pending. A friend actually asked me about it last week. Yay someone is reading!! I have assumed, hopefully incorrectly, that all of my readers are my real-life friends or Facebook friends who have already heard this fabulous news. My apologizes. 

I'm very happy to share that my CA-125 result remains at *3*. Anything under 35 is considered 'normal'. I'm deeply grateful. And relieved because there's so much more I want to do and experience in this beautiful life.

A new friend, and Teal Sister, gently asked me recently if I ever feel guilty for being in Remission. I empathetically replied- YES! There are moments when guilt and unworthiness flood every part of me. I'd trade places with a any mother, or young girl, with ovarian (or any!) cancer in a heartbeat if I could. Children need their mothers, I certainly need mine and I'm in my 30s! And young girls deserve a chance to experience and create their lives without the burdens and scars of disease.

I could spend my mental and emotional energy on guilt, and it would just make me miserable and not help anyone. So I choose not to feel guilty or think guilty thoughts. It's a concentrated effort, truly a choice I make everyday. Sometimes I have to remind myself several times a day. Sometimes I cry for release. I ask God for help countless times each day. 

This year I've learned  how much power my thoughts hold. It boils down to these quotes:

I choose to be grateful, happy and at peace with myself and my Remission status every morning. I'm becoming  increasingly better at choosing which thoughts and emotions can stay and stopping those that don't serve me. It's work, it's mindfulness, it's sometimes really tough. It's worth it. I'm worth it. You are worth it. 

I've spent most of my life waiting for someone to fix me, to heal me, to tell me what to do next. I've realized this year- thanks to several Divine interventions- that I don't need to be fixed- I'm already whole and healed as part of The Divine. What I've really been waiting on is myself to realize that I am a deeply Love part of God, and that I have the ability to create the life I want with my thoughts. The first step is to get my thoughts under control, and then keenly focus on what I do want in my life. This requires, absolutely requires meditation of at least 1 form. It's taken me a very long time- over 30 years and 2 cancer journeys - to GET IT. But now I do and that's what matters. 

So instead of feeling guilty, I'm choosing to use my good health to advocate for my Teal Sisters of the past, current and future so that we all may blissfully live out our lives we choose for ourselves. I choose to laugh and play with my nieces and nephews, and wonder at their Light and young wisdom. I choose to think Loving and kind thoughts about people, even those that I disagree with or aren't particularly fond of for some silly human reason. I choose to seek and experience Peace. 

Enter in Inner Peace for Inner Tough's Zen Method certification journey.... Coincidence? Certainly not! 

Gratefulness and Respect

I'm gratefully approaching my official 2 year post ovarian cancer Remission anniversary. Each year of remission is big deal to all cancer Survivors, but particularly ovarian cancer Survivors because there is often a higher risk of recurrence. I only have a 10% risk of recurrence, which is really low but still a risk. Click here for a chart from the Journal of National Cancer Institute to see the recurrence rates in ovarian cancer at different stages. 

It's humbling and shocking data, yet reminds me to stay in the flow of thankfulness for my current good health. It also gives me a sense of urgency to advocate for more research dollars that will lead to a Cure and educate women on ways to listen to and care for their bodies. Women shouldn't suffer or die from ovarian cancer any longer. Women deserve an early detection screening to find ovarian cancer at the earliest possible stage and preserve their lives. 

Oh, didn't you know that there is NOT an early detection screening for ovarian cancer? Shocking, isn't it? 

So how would you know you have it? By listening to your body, knowing your family cancer history, and paying attention to these symptoms:

• Bloating
• Pelvic or abdominal pain
• Difficulty eating or feeling full quickly
• Urinary symptoms (urgency or frequency)

The Ovarian Cancer National Alliance created a free App- and printable symptom diary- to help women track these symptoms. App link Symptom Diary Link Studies about ovarian cancer symptom link.

Ladies, dear ones, please pay attention to your body. If you're experiencing one or more of these symptoms- even just one, yes- for couple weeks or more please go see your gynecologist. The Ovarian Cancer National Alliance has fantastic information about detection. Read it carefully and then tune into your body. Take care of yourself, don't just wait & see. 

This past Thursday I went to my gyn oncologist for my 2 year pelvic exam and blood work to determine my CA 125 level. A normal CA 125 is 35 U/ml or less. Mine was 3 U/ml 6 months ago, which is amazingly wonderful. I'll get results from Thursday early next week, and I'm expecting good news. 

I wasn't feeling much anxiety until I got to the parking lot on Thursday. My affirmations and flowing thoughts of gratefulness keep me in a healthy and positive place mentally and emotionally. I've been focusing on ovarian cancer advocacy, not so much my personal journey through ovarian cancer. Yet pulling into the parking lot brought up a bit of fear and anxiety, and I could smell the chemo before walking in the building. 

I called my friend Angella, who is the creator of The Zen Method that I'm training to become certified in, and she listened for a few minutes and then talked me through 3 cleansing and grounding breaths. Connecting with your breath is a powerful calming tool. 

My blood draw was easy and thankfully the first stick stuck. My veins were slow to share but we got 3 vials out. This is the only time I ever miss my Port-a-cath, but I get tougher with every stick. 

I was prepared to be there for awhile since I had an afternoon appointment which usually means the oncologist is behind schedule, but I was called back quickly. I got to be in the 'upgrade' room with the more comfortable chair with stirrups and joked about it with the nurse. She went through the usual round of questions.

My oncologist came in quickly and we got down to business. That 'upgrade' chair made the exam much more comfortable. Yay! Then I got hear the words I needed to hear from her- everything feels fine. Relief floods in. 

She then checked the computer for my blood work- except CA 125 which takes longer- and more good news. Everything looks good. More relief and gratitude joins the flood. 

She wants me to have a mammogram just because it's been nearly 2 years and it's a smart thing to do for a gyn cancer Survivor. Though, I'm not thrilled about it I am thankful that breast cancer HAS an early detection screening process. As I think that, there in the stirrups, I feel a pang of sadness for ovarian cancer patients as I wish we had an early detection screening too. So I agree to get a mammogram. 

That's my official 2 year post ovarian cancer oncologist follow up appointment results. Everything looks good, I'm doing great. I can wait 6 months for my next follow up. I'm relieved, and full of gratitude.... 

I get on the elevator and check my email as a mental break from being at The West Clinic.  There's a brand new email about a friend, a Teal Sister, who is in treatment. The email tells me that She also saw her gyn oncologist that day, but didn't get good news. I got in my car and bawled for both of us for a few minutes, because it ovarian cancer sucks.

I called my Mom to share my good news, sent out a text to my closest friends and sisters, and posted on Facebook, Then I stepped out of my own personal ovarian cancer journey and back into my new role of Advocacy and supporting my Teal Sisters. 

Please send your Love, Comfort and Light to this dear Teal Sister- to all my Teal Sisters... and to all Survivors. 

Hope. 

Love. 

Advocate.

 

Cure. 

.