Relief. Joy. Gratitude.

I bet you thought I forgot about the promise I made for a fresh post tonight, didn't you? It's ok to admit it. I almost forgot myself! 

I've been waiting for all the final results to come back before sharing about my last round of post-treatment tests, but I still haven't gotten a call back. I've learned to assume that no callbacks are a good thing for cancer Survivors, so I'm going to just flow with it.

I went through the most tests in the least amount time this go round at The West Clinic. It was wonderful to have so little time in the waiting room! A little bizarre, too.

My 9 month follow up I had tubes and tubes of blood drawn from my Port-a-cath, a chest X-ray, a CT scan and a pelvic exam. It wasn't as bad as it sounds.

My Port worked beautifully once again. Yay!!

I was hoping to get to lay down for the chest X-ray, but I didn't. I just stood there, turned, and turned again. I even got an initial 'all ok'. That's never ever happened. Bizarre, but in a good way. It certainly put me at ease. Just having to have a chest X-ray made me a little anxious. I understand that my oncologist is covering all the bases since I am a two time Survivor, though.

Then I was off to the CT scan waiting area. There were 2 ladies already sitting there. They were talking and giggling a bit. The kind of giggling you do when you're really nervous or scared but fighting through it. I thought they were sisters, but they were mother and daughter. The mother had just been diagnosed, and this was her first CT scan. We didn't sit together very long at all, but I did my best to share some Love and Light with her. The scan made her sick and my heart went out to her. Cancer sucks.

I'm very thankful that they have upgraded the chalky CT scan barium drink to one that tastes like plain water. There's less volume and it's much easier to drink.

During the scan I actually felt a little light headed and nauseous towards the end. That's never happened to me in my long history of CT scans. It passed pretty quickly. That short experience scared me a bit, and made me wonder if feeling a little sick in the scan meant something less than good. Intellectually, I couldn't see how but Survivors don't just think intellectually during tests.

On my way upstairs to my oncologist's office (gyn Survivors have a whole special floor), I stopped in the bathroom to collect myself. I let myself cry for a couple minutes because I needed the stress release. Just being at the West Clinic is emotional for me. All I smell in there is chemo drugs and it's so icky. Then I took a few deep breaths, gave myself a quick self Reiki treatment, and thought about all my blessings.

I figured I would be sitting in the waiting room for at least an hour, but nope. Three minutes later I was in the exam room. My mom was running a bit late, but thanks to text messaging and 45 mile per hour roads between her office and the clinic she slid into the room minutes before the oncologist. Is she good or what? Just another demonstration of her awesomeness!!

Thankfully, my nurse and oncologist noticed that I've lost 17 official pounds since the end of chemo! It was nice to get some recognition and kudos from my medical team. Yay!!

The oncologist went through my questions with me. I'm still not sure when I'll have my Port removed. My onc didn't make a big deal out of that at all, so I won't either. It doesn't hurt, and it's not like anyone but me is rubbing or otherwise feeling it. Once in awhile one of my Peeps elbow me in that one tiny spot, but that's about it. I did find out that removing it won't mess up the chest muscles I've been working so hard on building and strengthening. I was incredibly relieved to hear that good news. I was prepared to keep the Port forever if it meant cutting into my new muscles!!

Then it was drum roll time. My onc sat down at the computer in the exam room to look at my test results. This is the part where I was literally holding my breath, and I bet Mom was too.



NO EVIDENCE OF CANCER!! Whoohoooo!!

However, I do have a small incisional hernia from all the scar tissue next to my belly button. And I have one really huge gallstones and a few smaller ones. Neither issue is causing me any harm right now,  so we're just going to watch and be aware. My onc did encourage me to buy a compression belt to wear while I'm lifting weights. So now I look even cuter when I lift. I'm extra thankful that I workout in the privacy of my own bedroom.

Relief. Joy. Gratitude. Freedom to move forward with my beautiful life as a (now) 10 month Survivor. 

The Day I Found Out, Part 1

Hello out there! I came home from my business convention so pumped up and excited about helping people and building my business (and physically worn out!) that I just haven't had time to blog. I'm working on a bit better balance from now on, though, because I love blogging about being a Survivor. I truly hope that my story and journey is helping other Survivors even if it's in just a small way. We're all in this Surviving and thriving thing, together from my perspective. 

I learned a lot about myself during my convention in Atlanta last weekend. The most important lesson I learned and practiced is my growing ability to be brave and bold while still being sincere and kind. 

Thanks to Twitter I found the awesome site- The Day I Found Out. It's a site where cancer Survivors  post the story of the day they found out they had cancer. Here's what the site is all about: 

"For many cancer survivors and their loved ones, this was one of the toughest days of their lives. These are their stories. This is a place where people with hope to spare can share it with those who need it most." 

Of course, I love this site. I was also a little afraid of this site, because it's powerful, emotional, raw, and brings back unpleasant memories. It's emotionally and almost physically painful to go back to those 2 days that completely changed my life. When I first found this site I wanted to record my video right away, but I couldn't get the webcam to work right and other stuff happened and I just let it go. A part of me was afraid to go back to that first day I found out as if something would break loose inside of me and not be able to be fixed. 

Then I went to a convention in the very big city (with horrible traffic!) of Atlanta alone with 60,000 like-minded people and found a new level of braveness inside me. This braveness gives me a confidence and boldness so that I am able to help other people despite my own fears. That's what my career is all about- helping people improve their lives. 

That's also a part of what this blog is about- being brave, facing fears, using words as swords, and offering supportive hope to other Survivors.

 So, after a little encouragement from one of the Tweeters behind thedayifoundout.com I set my mind on recording my Part 1 Friday morning. 

And here I am in my first ever Vlog: 

Cleaning Up

I've been a bad blogger lately. I've had plenty to say (when do I not? ha!), but just haven't had time to write. So, I've asked a couple very special people to help me keep this blog alive and hopping by writing Guest Posts while I'm away on business. Be on the lookout tomorrow morning for the first one!


I realized, yes again, that there just isn't going to be a 'normal' in my life. I'm okay with it, I just need to learn to adapt my clean eating to it on a much better level. 


No, wait a minute. Actually, I kind of LOVE that my life isn't 'normal'. I just want to learn to eat cleanly in every un-normal scenario. The key is planning and having quick clean eats to grab no matter what. I'm going to be practicing over the weekend while on a business trip. I have a few clean-ish protein bars, Clean Eating's Cajun red beans and rice with turkey sausage packed up and ready for the cooler, clean drinks for the ride and the hotel (to save money, too!), snack size baggies of nuts, a bag of organic popcorn for noshing, and my head screwed on clean and straight. 


The past few days have been transitional-clean (yes, I made up that term) after nearly 2 solid weeks of unwise choices while my sisters and their kids were visiting and playing. It's wasn't 100% awful, there were some clean eats squeezed in here and there but nothing consistent. Not surprisingly I felt pretty bad most days. 


I think, for me, part of going berserk is rebelling against this 'new' way of eating that cancer forced upon me. I'm in the midst of my next round of post treatment check ups. (My last set of tests is this coming Thursday, and I should get all the results at the end of the day.) These days have an anxious undertone to them which makes me want to find comfort in food. I know better, yes. And yes I've chosen to embrace clean eating as a long term way to fight against another cancer recurrence among other health reasons. No one has forced it on me, besides me and the research I've done and can't ignore. Still, I forget about all that sometimes. (Damn you chemo brain!!)  I'm remembering again and feel oh soooo much better already! 


I had a fabulous 75 minute reflexology treatment from my dear friend at Foot Steps In Eden on Monday, been doing self-Reiki treatments every day, just finished Cathe's STS Meso 2 today and eats are getting cleaner and cleaner. Ahhhhh. And Ommmmm.


Curious about Reiki and Reflexology? Look for my friend Tricia's guest post here tomorrow. It's a goodie. Many thanks, Tricia!! 

Empowered and Embarrassed

I haven't lost any weight. In fact, I've gained weight. This has happened to me before, and it's always a signal that I'm not committed enough to losing. Scientifically weight loss is about burning more calories than I consume. That's the nice neat way of thinking of weight loss, and it makes the whole thing sound very easy. After defeating cancer twice I think that losing weight is harder than surviving cancer for me. During my cancer treatments I wasn't in control, for the most part, and just had to survive the treatments. Weight loss is all about having control over myself. It forces me to choose between emotional eating or obeying my body's hunger. I have triumphant moments when it's easy to recognize emotional eating and stop it in it's tracks. Yet I still have moments when I'm eating to make myself feel better in some way. I do it knowing that it doesn't really help ease any sadness, fill any voids, or help me in any way. In fact, eating emotionally does harm to my mind and my body. Perhaps it's a form of self-punishment...?

So, I'm faced with a choice between re-committing to weight loss and going forward full force into the holiday season, my birthday, and a week long trip; or focusing on maintaining the weight I am now, appreciating my body for all it's done and accomplished the past year, and finding happiness with my body as it is right now.

Honestly, I'm not thrilled with either one of these choices. I am thankful that my body survived cancer treatments. I am thankful for it's resilience and ability to heal. I'm thankful that I can walk with less pain now. I'm thankful that my body is able to do Cathe Friedrich workouts. I'm thankful that my body is able to grow hair again. I'm thankful that my body is strong enough to lift weights and improve it's cardio endurance. I'm thankful I can move and stretch again.

I'm also embarrassed by my body- the rolls, the scars, the stretch marks. I look at myself and see years of emotional eating and poor choices piled on. I see years of trying and failing to lose weight. My body doesn't reflect the person I am inside, but at the same time it is a result of my choices. It's enough to make my head blow up.

The lifestyle choices that I made in the past caused me to be overweight which played a role in my first and second cancers. The article Obesity and Cancers: Questions and Answers from the National Cancer Institute explains how. I realize that my weight wasn't the only factor in my cancer diagnosis, but it's the only thing I have any control over. It's empowering and embarrassing knowledge. My increased risk of a third recurrence should be enough motivation to lose weight. If I was a hermit it would be easier, but thankfully I'm not a hermit. Okay, so I have some hermit-like tendencies. That's just me, I've never claimed to be a social butterfly.

I will find a way to commit to losing weight despite the holidays, my birthday, my upcoming trip, and the jumble of my emotions and stress. When it comes right down to it, there's no other logical, reasonable, or responsible choice. Cancer is truly my catalyst for losing weight and improving my health. I think I'll make an appointment with the cancer nutritionist soon, too.