Releasing & Healing

During the Wings Cancer Foundation's gynecologic Survivor's Retreat two Saturdays ago, I realized that I have more healing to embrace. This next phase of healing is emotional and mental, and so far I think it's harder than the physical. I've held onto negative thoughts concerning blame and the question of 'Why me?' long enough. I'll never know the answers, because there isn't one and they don't really matter anyway.

That cancer happened to me isn't important anymore. What IS important is what I create and gain from the experience. Cancer has been a catalyst to many wonderful new experiences and relationships, and it's perfectly okay to just accept those positives without supplementing any negatives. 

I'm also ready to let go of the guilt I've been feeling over 'getting' cancer twice in 2 years. I've blamed my abusive childhood. I've blamed my father. I've blamed myself for being overweight. I've blamed emotional eating and lack of willpower. I've blamed hormone interrupting plastics and chemicals that surround us. 

All that blaming hasn't gotten me anywhere good, though. My counselor gently asked me if it truly is important to assign blame. Up until this phase of healing it felt moderately important to me, but now that importance is fading. It feels like a new dawning.... 

I'm using 3 tools to help me release the blame and guilt:

1. Feelings Buried Alive Never Die by Karol Truman

2. Writing in my new journal using the book Wings Foundation gave me at the Retreat Scribing the Soul by Kathleen Adams

3. Young Living's Essential Oils 

I'll be sharing details about each of these tools in upcoming posts. They all involve replacing negative energy (thoughts of blame and guilt) with positive energy (gratitude and Truth). I want to welcome all the positive Energy into my life as possible!!

Many thanks to Wings Cancer Foundation for the continued support as I heal..... 

If you're a Survivor who has been through the emotional healing process, please consider sharing a bit of that journey with me and my readers in a comment. 

Retreating...

It started with a postcard in the mail, an invitation to the Wings Cancer Foundation's summer Retreat for gynecological cancer Survivors. It was a fun surprise to get that kind of mail. I immediately thought it was an awesome idea and wanted to go. Then after a day or so, I started wondering if I wanted to dredge up all those cancer emotions again. I am moving forward and creating a happy successful new life, and I didn't want to lose my momentum or trip myself up.

My soul told me I should go though, and I've learned to listen. So, I went even though I was a bit afraid. I pictured lots of hugging, sad stories and crying. While there was hugging, and we did share our 'sad stories' and some of us cried (yes me) it was a marvelous experience. I'm so glad I went despite my fears!

It was wonderfully comforting to be with women who have been though what I've gone through, understand how I feel about it, and get introduced to some new methods of emotional healing. I didn't know anyone there, but I left with many new Survivor Sisters.

I also started the next phase of my healing process. My body is mostly healed. I thought my emotions were mostly healed up, too. I was wrong. It happens every now and again. Surprising, right?

The Retreat started with a light breakfast and finding comfort with people who were as outside of their comfort zone as I felt. Amazing women. Inspiring women. Strong women. Beautiful women in different stages of Fight and Survivorship. We share a deep bond, even though we may not have realized it at first. We felt it... 

The first session in the Retreat was Yoga. The Yoga instructor artfully led us through 90 minutes of gentle and calming Yoga poses. Her Spirit is full of graceful Light. Through the session she reminded us to only do what our bodies could do today, and showed us many alternative moves. Yoga is so calming, centering, empowering and healing. I'm thankful that Wings offers so many free Survivor Yoga classes.

The second session was led by an inspirational writer and speaker with a beautiful calm energy who gently led us through some Journaling therapy. That 90 minutes unlocked the door to my next level of healing. I've always loved to journal. Since I was about 9 I've found peace, problem resolutions, stress relief, and self acceptance through journaling in the past. Ironically, sometime after my second diagnosis in January of 2010 I stopped journaling. The emotions and thoughts were too raw to face at the time for me. I thought that over time I had dealt with these emotions, and moved on from them but no. I buried some of them. It was a surprisingly and disconcerting realization.

It's time to start digging them up, looking at them, feeling them, and releasing them. Wings very generously gave each Survivor a beautiful blank journaling book and journaling therapy guide book. The book is absolutely amazing... if you enjoy journaling I highly recommend it. It's not just for Survivors, it can be applied to any and all issues. I feel so richly blessed...

We shared a tasty lunch and fabulous conversation. After sharing very personal and deep journal entries we were bonded and spoke like old dear friends.. and knew that we are indeed Sisters in Survival. 

The final session was laughter therapy. Do you know much healing power is in laughing? I think it's safe to say that everyone at the Retreat felt happier, and emotionally lighter after this final session. The speaker was absolutely wonderful, and is a 3 time Survivor herself. She knew what she was talking about... and made us laugh heartily. 

Thank you, Wings Cancer Foundation. You have empowered and soothed my healing process more than my words could ever say... 

Baby Peep's 1st Birthday & Cancerversary

A year ago today, at about this time, I was almost finished with my very first chemo treatment. This cancerversary is hitting me hard today. I don't really understand why. I've felt overwhelmed with raw sadness and fear a few times today. I had a few hysterical crying meltdowns, even.  I got crabby with the fussy birthday baby boy, and then felt like the worst person on the planet for doing so.

I've come such a long way since chemo, but it feels like I have such a long way to go to earn the title 'fully healthy' again. I don't LOOK like I'm cancer-sick anymore, and that's awesome. However, I still don't LOOK healthy either and that's frustrating. I get angry with myself- with my body- over it sometimes. I do my best to replace that anger, frustration and sadness with thankfulness, peace, and self-love. I kind of forgot about those replacements this morning, but now I remember.

One of the many things I'm thankful for is that the baby Peep of my family was born today. I'm thankful for it because it brings happiness to a day that otherwise wasn't very happy. I'm thankful that I felt good enough to go from my chemo suite directly to the women's hospital. I'm thankful that my sister, Heidi, shared her precious new baby boy with me. I got to hold him very soon after he was born which was a very special treat.

And so did Nana...

I'm thankful for all the time I've gotten to spend with JJ. It was a wonderful gift to have a sweet baby to snuggle with through treatment and these early months of remission.

We've grown hair together, too!

I let his Mama have some snuggle time, too. 

And his Daddy and sister, Kallie, too. 

I've thankful to be able to watch him, and my other Peeps, grow up. 

I'm thankful the laughter and joy my Angel Fish brings to my family.

Happy FIRST Birthday, JJ! 

Surrounded by Awesome with a Twist of Romance

I have been surrounded by awesomeness this Tuesday!! It began with passing a state exam. Whoohooo!! After sharing the exciting news with family and friends over the phone and Facebook I went shopping at Target. I found a great deal on a Dremel-like tool that I've needed for awhile, and I found a pair of capris on clearance that fit me beautifully in a new smaller size. 

Awesomeness x 3!

While I was shopping something happened to me that hasn't happened in an extremely long time. A good-looking man flirted with me and asked me out on a date. Actually, I'm pretty sure that this has NEVER happened to me. He's a Target employee so he started off the conversation by asking if he could help me with anything. I told him that I found what I needed, and held up the Gorilla tape. He asked what I was using it for and I told him. Then he asked if my husband was going to be helping me. I chuckled and said no, and did the same when he asked about a boyfriend. He seemed really surprised that I didn't have a boyfriend. Honestly at this point I felt like he was making fun of me. Isn't that pathetic? This guy is going out on a limb and sweetly flirting with a complete stranger and in my head I'm questioning WHY he would want to talk to me.  

He asked if I had kids, and again no. He was really confused now. It was sweet and funny. He introduced himself and asked my name. I told him my first name and shook his hand. He told me that I was beautiful and he couldn't believe I was single because I was 'hot'. He actually used the words 'beautiful' and 'hot' to describe me! I know I'm beautiful, but I think of myself more as a beautiful soul than a beautiful woman. I never think of myself as 'hot'. I was embarrassed, self conscious and uncomfortable at this point. He asked if he could have my number and if he could take me out. I laughed nervously, thanked him as sweetly as I could, but declined the offers. 

Still, it was a totally awesome experience! 

I'm 95% sure I don't want to date anymore. I definitely do not feel comfortable or safe dating a total stranger. Every now and then I daydream about going out with a man just for fun- to see a movie together or take a walk through a park, or have a conversation over a tasty meal... Then I remember all the pain that I caused myself and my ex-boyfriend the last time I got this desire for romance. I never want to cause that kind of pain to anyone ever again- myself included.

Then there's the whole 'I'm a cancer Survivor' issue and most men, I'd bet, wouldn't want to date a lady with that kind of medical history. I wouldn't blame him, honestly, because it's a lot of baggage. Disagree? Tell me why, leave a comment. 

Perhaps the biggest reason for not wanting to date is that my heart still belongs to a Marine who is proudly serving overseas. We were together without being actually together because of his service for 10 years. I'm over-simplifying in a huge way here. I moved for Florida in 2007 and started my life on a new path while he continued to serve. We still love each other, but just couldn't keep it together while being apart. Since I've moved back to Memphis he's sent me flowers for special occasions and always includes a sweet poetic note. 

Today he sent me these awesome gifts to celebrate being home for year and my increasing strength!!

AWESOMENESS X 2!!

 I'm extremely grateful, dear Marine. It's been very challenging to lift my loaded barbel up off the floor! And I can't wait to experiment with all the different chin-up and pull-up positions! 

What an incredibly awesome surprise!! I am beyond thrilled and excited!!

Wondering about the Yoga DVD? A few years ago I got a DVD with these 2 Yoga sessions (using the word 'workout' to describe this type of Yoga just doesn't fit to me) plus one for stress relief as a gift. My former roommate and very dear friend bonded with this DVD, and so I let him keep it when I moved home last year. I have missed it a lot, but have bought other Rodney Yee Yoga DVDs in an attempt to find a new favorite. It just hasn't happened though. The Marine kindly remembers how much I adored this AM Yoga session and somehow instinctively knew I needed it in my life again. I was so excited to have my very favorite Yoga sessions that I did the PM session tonight while at my sister's. My body and soul are thanking me. I'm very much looking forward to AM Yoga on Friday, which will be the first chance I'll have this week. 

What an amazingly awesome filled Tuesday!! 

Learning from my Meltdown

How do you picture your ideal daily routine? In my mind's eye I picture Yoga and meditation first thing in the morning followed by a healthy protein rich breakfast with freshly brewed organic green tea. Email, FB and Twitter connections. Then I productively work from home connecting with and helping clients in various ways or studying for a couple hours. Cathe Friedrich workout time. Shower, then a veggie rich lunch. Back to work for a few hours. Email, FB, Twitter, food tracking break. I prepare a protein and veggie rich dinner and enjoy sharing the happenings of the day with Mom and whoever else may join us. In the evenings I meet with clients; or spend time with my sisters, nieces and nephews; or chat with my friends online; or read; or meet with friends in person; or provide volunteer Reiki to cancer Fighters or Survivors or by request; or relax with my favorite TV shows and make a meal plan for the next day. Before I lay down to sleep I write inspirational, honest, and sometimes funny blog posts about the positive effects surviving cancer has brought to my life. Self- Reiki treatment lulls me into a beautifully relaxed state and I sleep deeply. 


This is the daily routine that I tried to force upon myself last week in the form of the Google calendar. I set up my whole week starting each morning at 7:30. That approach failed. I rebelled against my own creation. Crazy, I know, but it happened. It even led to a total emotional meltdown last Wednesday. I cried myself to sleep in bed in the middle of the afternoon. Other issues contributed, too, but I mostly melted down under the pressure I was putting on myself to be my version of perfect. Yes, I am perfectly aware that there's no such thing as perfect. I guess I forgot. I blame the chemo-brain. 


Since meltdown day I had been trying to figure out what was keeping me from this ideal routine I had dancing around in my head. It wasn't until this past Sunday when it all came together in my head. I have 3 major challenges to face:

1. My body still requires a lot of sleep. Although it's been 7 months since my final chemo treatment, my body is still healing and dealing with the side effects. One of those side effects is tiredness. I get worn out faster than before cancer treatments. My stamina is improving slowly, and I am very thankful for the progress. I want to give my body the time, space and grace that it needs to fully heal and that requires sleep. A part of me is embarrassed by it. A part of me is frustrated with this body. A part of me wants to ignore it and hope it goes away. My Spirit is wiser than my feelings, though. My Spirit knows that there's no time limit to this journey of healing, and that there's no shame in it either. I must accept it, and embrace it. I also have to take responsibility for it. That means getting into bed earlier so I can get 9-10 hours of sleep each night and wake up before 10am. (Please pay no attention to the time stamp of this post.) 
2. I spend too much time e-socializing. I recently fell in love with Twitter and like many early romances I allowed it- happily- to eat up my time. Even though Twitter and Facebook bring educational and other positive aspects to my life I have to control how much time I spend e-connecting. The time I've been spending online is better spent studying, working or sleeping. Yes, it does kind of suck. Being a responsible grown up just sucks sometimes. I'll suck it up. 
3. The third challenge I face is trying to change too many things about my routine-and, yes, myself- at one time. I think that's the biggest reason my Google calendar schedule failed last week. It felt overwhelming. It LOOKED overwhelming! I'm a Type A personality, and it just doesn't mesh well with chemo-brain or chemo related tiredness. I need a routine, but not a rigid hour by hour schedule. I need self-enforced boundaries that benefit me in a valuable way. I need and want to extend my body grace and gratitude it needs in order to continue to heal, strengthen, and improve.

I recognize that I can't create my ideal daily routine overnight. (Finally!) I do, however, have the ability to take a few graceful and purposeful baby steps. I will start going to bed- and to sleep- earlier. I will limit my e-socializing time to 2 blocks of 30 minutes during the day. I will use that newly 'found' time to study and build my professional life. I will give my body the gift of Yoga at least twice this week and the gift of self-Reiki at least 3 times this week. (I promise I will write something on my Reiki page very soon, too!)


Step by step and grace by grace I will create my ideal daily routine and ultimately the life of my dreams. I'm beginning to embrace the changes I need to make to create the productive and peaceful life I want for myself.  All things in moderation, right? 

Is there anything keeping YOU from the life of your dreams?

 What can you start doing today to move towards it? 

Final Countdown, Part 1

One of my countdowns is just about finished, I go to my cancer clinic tomorrow afternoon for a post-treatment CT scan and an exam. It's hard to believe that it's been almost 2 whole months since my final chemo treatment! I'm regaining cardio stamina and strength at a good pace, and I'm feeling pretty darn good. My feet still have numbness which varies from barely noticeable to very uncomfortable, and I'm thankful for the improvement. 

I'm feeling a bit anxious about the CT scan tomorrow. I've been using a couple different techniques to deal with the anxiety. My mentor and dear friend, Curt (who has 30 years of counseling experience) taught me the value and power in replacing my negative thoughts with positive thoughts. So when my mind thinks about how extremely unlikely any cancer recurrence should have been for me I consciously stop that thought, and I choose to think about how I did during my most recent Cathe workout or I work up a vivid mental picture of the powerful chemo drugs and radiation killing off any 'loose' cancer cells in my body.

I've also been meditating and praying before I get out of bed each morning. I am thankful to have to a very flexible schedule right now that allows me to meditate for 30 minutes and exercise when I want to right now. Meditating and exercising are major parts of my healing and recovery process, and I deeply appreciate the gift of time to focus recovering and healing. 

My Cathe workouts have played a big role in stress reduction over the past 7 years. I love how Cathe challenges and encourages me through each of her workouts! Lately, I've been focusing on circuit workouts. I love how I can push myself a little harder in the cardio segments when I know a cardio break is coming soon in circuit workouts. Then I get to lift weights in the next segment. I totally love lifting weights! Over the past 2 months I've worked up to being able to do a few Cathe workouts all the way through without using premixes (many of Cathe's workouts come with condensed version of the workout to save on time or focus on cardio over weights etc). I still have to modify the intensity and/or impact. I'm very proud of myself!!  Today I did a circuit workout called  Cardio & Weights- the whole 60 minutes! My feet are tired out and a bit achey tonight, but it's definitely worth it! I burned off some stress and calories, and created some very good feelings about myself. That's a good trade off in my book. 

I came across an inspiring article at CureToday.com titled New exercise guidelines for cancer survivors. Since my cancer history is gynecological I liked the article even more!! I would have loved to have clear guidelines to have followed during my treatment as well as post treatment. This article helped push me to get back to regular exercise, and I'm very grateful!

Tomorrow is the 'big' day, but I doubt if I will get the full results from the CT scan right away. More waiting which means more exercising, meditating and thought shifting for me, but I know without a doubt I won't be alone. My family and friends are great supporters and caregivers with strong shoulders. I couldn't be more thankful for each and every one! Despite a bit of understandable anxiety, I truly believe that this scan will prove to me that my body is free of cancer and is healing well. I'm looking forward to hearing my oncologist tell me that I'm cured, or in remission, or whatever label she will use. I already know that I'm a Survivor!

My next entry will be about the amazingly wonderful spa night for cancer Survivors and Fighters that I got to attend on Monday night...