Awkward Anniversary

Yesterday marked the 2 year anniversary of my final chemo treatment. Which is wonderful. And kind of awkward. Yes, I had cancer twice. Yes, I consider myself a Survivor. I was a whole person with dreams, problems and a life before I had either cancers. Then for about 3 years I was a cancer patient. And now I'm an upgraded model of myself post cancer. Different dreams, different problems and a whole different beautiful life.

Cancer doesn't define me. It's a chapter in my life's story that has led me to now. Now is very good and I'm quite grateful for all the people, experiences and places that envelope my life.

I'm emerging from the cocoon of individual Survivor into a butterfly of advocacy for ovarian cancer awareness and research. Yes, I'm still a Survivor and always will be. Yet I want to let go of my ultra-personal relationship to cancer. Let go of daily thoughts and memories of it. Release the addiction I sometimes feel to my cancer story. I want to let go the story of who I was and what happened to me so I can open myself to the possibilities in the NOW.  It happened therefore I'm a Survivor and now I'm also an advocate...

I'm also a sister, a daughter, an Aunt, a friend, an educator, a car dancer, a runner, a Course in Miracles student, a blogger, an essential oils lover, a scrapbooker, a dreamer, and a believer in Love and God. Cancer does not define me. Cancer isn't what makes me interesting or special. It happened to me, I got treatment, I'm better now. I'm deeply grateful for the experience of cancer, and will apply what I learned from those experiences with me as I move forward with my life.

All of that is true, but then how shall I deal with these cancer anniversaries that tick in my head? This day I chose to celebrate by going to a Couch 2 5K graduation for my Teal Sister Deb and advocating to raise awareness of ovarian cancer and the upcoming Teal for a Cure 5K to the hundreds of women at the event. Then I went to my Yoga class which felt really wonderful. I spent the afternoon doing more advocacy work from bed in my comfy clothes. Then I ate a healthy dinner with a treasured friend, saw a second run movie and had an amazing discussion about Marianne Williamson's book A Return to Love after reading 2 chapters out loud to each other.

I celebrated by living my life, by making a point to enjoy it a bit more today.

Ringing the Bell at West Clinic 9/16/2010 to celebrate completing chemo

Retreating...

It started with a postcard in the mail, an invitation to the Wings Cancer Foundation's summer Retreat for gynecological cancer Survivors. It was a fun surprise to get that kind of mail. I immediately thought it was an awesome idea and wanted to go. Then after a day or so, I started wondering if I wanted to dredge up all those cancer emotions again. I am moving forward and creating a happy successful new life, and I didn't want to lose my momentum or trip myself up.

My soul told me I should go though, and I've learned to listen. So, I went even though I was a bit afraid. I pictured lots of hugging, sad stories and crying. While there was hugging, and we did share our 'sad stories' and some of us cried (yes me) it was a marvelous experience. I'm so glad I went despite my fears!

It was wonderfully comforting to be with women who have been though what I've gone through, understand how I feel about it, and get introduced to some new methods of emotional healing. I didn't know anyone there, but I left with many new Survivor Sisters.

I also started the next phase of my healing process. My body is mostly healed. I thought my emotions were mostly healed up, too. I was wrong. It happens every now and again. Surprising, right?

The Retreat started with a light breakfast and finding comfort with people who were as outside of their comfort zone as I felt. Amazing women. Inspiring women. Strong women. Beautiful women in different stages of Fight and Survivorship. We share a deep bond, even though we may not have realized it at first. We felt it... 

The first session in the Retreat was Yoga. The Yoga instructor artfully led us through 90 minutes of gentle and calming Yoga poses. Her Spirit is full of graceful Light. Through the session she reminded us to only do what our bodies could do today, and showed us many alternative moves. Yoga is so calming, centering, empowering and healing. I'm thankful that Wings offers so many free Survivor Yoga classes.

The second session was led by an inspirational writer and speaker with a beautiful calm energy who gently led us through some Journaling therapy. That 90 minutes unlocked the door to my next level of healing. I've always loved to journal. Since I was about 9 I've found peace, problem resolutions, stress relief, and self acceptance through journaling in the past. Ironically, sometime after my second diagnosis in January of 2010 I stopped journaling. The emotions and thoughts were too raw to face at the time for me. I thought that over time I had dealt with these emotions, and moved on from them but no. I buried some of them. It was a surprisingly and disconcerting realization.

It's time to start digging them up, looking at them, feeling them, and releasing them. Wings very generously gave each Survivor a beautiful blank journaling book and journaling therapy guide book. The book is absolutely amazing... if you enjoy journaling I highly recommend it. It's not just for Survivors, it can be applied to any and all issues. I feel so richly blessed...

We shared a tasty lunch and fabulous conversation. After sharing very personal and deep journal entries we were bonded and spoke like old dear friends.. and knew that we are indeed Sisters in Survival. 

The final session was laughter therapy. Do you know much healing power is in laughing? I think it's safe to say that everyone at the Retreat felt happier, and emotionally lighter after this final session. The speaker was absolutely wonderful, and is a 3 time Survivor herself. She knew what she was talking about... and made us laugh heartily. 

Thank you, Wings Cancer Foundation. You have empowered and soothed my healing process more than my words could ever say... 

Surrounded by Awesome with a Twist of Romance

I have been surrounded by awesomeness this Tuesday!! It began with passing a state exam. Whoohooo!! After sharing the exciting news with family and friends over the phone and Facebook I went shopping at Target. I found a great deal on a Dremel-like tool that I've needed for awhile, and I found a pair of capris on clearance that fit me beautifully in a new smaller size. 

Awesomeness x 3!

While I was shopping something happened to me that hasn't happened in an extremely long time. A good-looking man flirted with me and asked me out on a date. Actually, I'm pretty sure that this has NEVER happened to me. He's a Target employee so he started off the conversation by asking if he could help me with anything. I told him that I found what I needed, and held up the Gorilla tape. He asked what I was using it for and I told him. Then he asked if my husband was going to be helping me. I chuckled and said no, and did the same when he asked about a boyfriend. He seemed really surprised that I didn't have a boyfriend. Honestly at this point I felt like he was making fun of me. Isn't that pathetic? This guy is going out on a limb and sweetly flirting with a complete stranger and in my head I'm questioning WHY he would want to talk to me.  

He asked if I had kids, and again no. He was really confused now. It was sweet and funny. He introduced himself and asked my name. I told him my first name and shook his hand. He told me that I was beautiful and he couldn't believe I was single because I was 'hot'. He actually used the words 'beautiful' and 'hot' to describe me! I know I'm beautiful, but I think of myself more as a beautiful soul than a beautiful woman. I never think of myself as 'hot'. I was embarrassed, self conscious and uncomfortable at this point. He asked if he could have my number and if he could take me out. I laughed nervously, thanked him as sweetly as I could, but declined the offers. 

Still, it was a totally awesome experience! 

I'm 95% sure I don't want to date anymore. I definitely do not feel comfortable or safe dating a total stranger. Every now and then I daydream about going out with a man just for fun- to see a movie together or take a walk through a park, or have a conversation over a tasty meal... Then I remember all the pain that I caused myself and my ex-boyfriend the last time I got this desire for romance. I never want to cause that kind of pain to anyone ever again- myself included.

Then there's the whole 'I'm a cancer Survivor' issue and most men, I'd bet, wouldn't want to date a lady with that kind of medical history. I wouldn't blame him, honestly, because it's a lot of baggage. Disagree? Tell me why, leave a comment. 

Perhaps the biggest reason for not wanting to date is that my heart still belongs to a Marine who is proudly serving overseas. We were together without being actually together because of his service for 10 years. I'm over-simplifying in a huge way here. I moved for Florida in 2007 and started my life on a new path while he continued to serve. We still love each other, but just couldn't keep it together while being apart. Since I've moved back to Memphis he's sent me flowers for special occasions and always includes a sweet poetic note. 

Today he sent me these awesome gifts to celebrate being home for year and my increasing strength!!

AWESOMENESS X 2!!

 I'm extremely grateful, dear Marine. It's been very challenging to lift my loaded barbel up off the floor! And I can't wait to experiment with all the different chin-up and pull-up positions! 

What an incredibly awesome surprise!! I am beyond thrilled and excited!!

Wondering about the Yoga DVD? A few years ago I got a DVD with these 2 Yoga sessions (using the word 'workout' to describe this type of Yoga just doesn't fit to me) plus one for stress relief as a gift. My former roommate and very dear friend bonded with this DVD, and so I let him keep it when I moved home last year. I have missed it a lot, but have bought other Rodney Yee Yoga DVDs in an attempt to find a new favorite. It just hasn't happened though. The Marine kindly remembers how much I adored this AM Yoga session and somehow instinctively knew I needed it in my life again. I was so excited to have my very favorite Yoga sessions that I did the PM session tonight while at my sister's. My body and soul are thanking me. I'm very much looking forward to AM Yoga on Friday, which will be the first chance I'll have this week. 

What an amazingly awesome filled Tuesday!! 

Learning from my Meltdown

How do you picture your ideal daily routine? In my mind's eye I picture Yoga and meditation first thing in the morning followed by a healthy protein rich breakfast with freshly brewed organic green tea. Email, FB and Twitter connections. Then I productively work from home connecting with and helping clients in various ways or studying for a couple hours. Cathe Friedrich workout time. Shower, then a veggie rich lunch. Back to work for a few hours. Email, FB, Twitter, food tracking break. I prepare a protein and veggie rich dinner and enjoy sharing the happenings of the day with Mom and whoever else may join us. In the evenings I meet with clients; or spend time with my sisters, nieces and nephews; or chat with my friends online; or read; or meet with friends in person; or provide volunteer Reiki to cancer Fighters or Survivors or by request; or relax with my favorite TV shows and make a meal plan for the next day. Before I lay down to sleep I write inspirational, honest, and sometimes funny blog posts about the positive effects surviving cancer has brought to my life. Self- Reiki treatment lulls me into a beautifully relaxed state and I sleep deeply. 


This is the daily routine that I tried to force upon myself last week in the form of the Google calendar. I set up my whole week starting each morning at 7:30. That approach failed. I rebelled against my own creation. Crazy, I know, but it happened. It even led to a total emotional meltdown last Wednesday. I cried myself to sleep in bed in the middle of the afternoon. Other issues contributed, too, but I mostly melted down under the pressure I was putting on myself to be my version of perfect. Yes, I am perfectly aware that there's no such thing as perfect. I guess I forgot. I blame the chemo-brain. 


Since meltdown day I had been trying to figure out what was keeping me from this ideal routine I had dancing around in my head. It wasn't until this past Sunday when it all came together in my head. I have 3 major challenges to face:

1. My body still requires a lot of sleep. Although it's been 7 months since my final chemo treatment, my body is still healing and dealing with the side effects. One of those side effects is tiredness. I get worn out faster than before cancer treatments. My stamina is improving slowly, and I am very thankful for the progress. I want to give my body the time, space and grace that it needs to fully heal and that requires sleep. A part of me is embarrassed by it. A part of me is frustrated with this body. A part of me wants to ignore it and hope it goes away. My Spirit is wiser than my feelings, though. My Spirit knows that there's no time limit to this journey of healing, and that there's no shame in it either. I must accept it, and embrace it. I also have to take responsibility for it. That means getting into bed earlier so I can get 9-10 hours of sleep each night and wake up before 10am. (Please pay no attention to the time stamp of this post.) 
2. I spend too much time e-socializing. I recently fell in love with Twitter and like many early romances I allowed it- happily- to eat up my time. Even though Twitter and Facebook bring educational and other positive aspects to my life I have to control how much time I spend e-connecting. The time I've been spending online is better spent studying, working or sleeping. Yes, it does kind of suck. Being a responsible grown up just sucks sometimes. I'll suck it up. 
3. The third challenge I face is trying to change too many things about my routine-and, yes, myself- at one time. I think that's the biggest reason my Google calendar schedule failed last week. It felt overwhelming. It LOOKED overwhelming! I'm a Type A personality, and it just doesn't mesh well with chemo-brain or chemo related tiredness. I need a routine, but not a rigid hour by hour schedule. I need self-enforced boundaries that benefit me in a valuable way. I need and want to extend my body grace and gratitude it needs in order to continue to heal, strengthen, and improve.

I recognize that I can't create my ideal daily routine overnight. (Finally!) I do, however, have the ability to take a few graceful and purposeful baby steps. I will start going to bed- and to sleep- earlier. I will limit my e-socializing time to 2 blocks of 30 minutes during the day. I will use that newly 'found' time to study and build my professional life. I will give my body the gift of Yoga at least twice this week and the gift of self-Reiki at least 3 times this week. (I promise I will write something on my Reiki page very soon, too!)


Step by step and grace by grace I will create my ideal daily routine and ultimately the life of my dreams. I'm beginning to embrace the changes I need to make to create the productive and peaceful life I want for myself.  All things in moderation, right? 

Is there anything keeping YOU from the life of your dreams?

 What can you start doing today to move towards it? 

I won, I won!!

I won my first blog giveaway this morning!! Yippie! Thank you SOOOO much, Steff Says! I discovered Steff's inspirational, humorous, and sexy cool blog last week on Twitter. I highly recommend it!. Her blog has some yummy gluten and wheat free recipes with some fun 5 ingredient challenges to her partner. She's all about inspiration, and who's not into that? Steff, you've got a friend in me. You rock, in my book.

This is what I won! I'm super excited about ALL of these books. I've been wanting to read Omnivore's Dilemma for a couple years now. Looks like the time is now. I'm not a runner, but perhaps Chi Running will inspire me to give a whirl. I'm concerned about the impact on my post-chemo achy and sensitive knees.

My best friend's name in middle school and first 2 years in high school was Steph so winning from a Steff felt extra special. I know that's corny, and I don't care. 

True confession, I haven't had time to read anything other than Clean Eating magazine's recipes in months. I miss reading and it's escape and relaxation it brings me. My mom brought me home a couple of books from her book exchange at work two days ago. All of them sound interesting to me, but I gave them the one shoulder shrug because I didn't think I had the time to read. Then I won this giveaway and I finally got the message. I should MAKE time for reading. Hmmmmm.

So, I'm going to put together a fresh schedule/routine for myself this weekend. I have soooo many things that I want  to include in my daily, or at least weekly, life. It's not going to happen by luck or magic. It's going to take a plan of action and practice to establish a this new groove. Here's the beginning of my action plan, in no particular order:

I want more....

Yoga

reading

Self- Reiki

blog writing and development

healthy cooking

chat time with my sisters 

building my professional life

I'm content with the time I'm spending on...

enjoying my nieces and nephews (aka the Peeps)

Cathe workouts

TV (I only watch about 2 hours in the evening with Mom- IF that much)

To gain the time for these things I'm willing to reduce the time I spend on...

Facebook (bummer, I know)

Twitter (sooo fun and addicting- also useful and educational)

sleeping

 (I will be sure to get at least 8 hours, but I think I've been babying my post-cancer treatment body a bit too much. If I discover that I really need 10-12 hours each night I'll make the time.)

How do you manage your time? How often do you re-evaluate? Anyone willing to share a sketch of their routine? Post a comment and share your advice, I'll appreciate it very much!

From Spa to the Gym

This evening one of my prayers will be answered- by a personal trainer! I love how God connects the dots in my life, it's so amazing and beautiful. I met Jessica, my trainer, at Healing Planet's spa night for women fighting cancer in mid-November.

This spa night is fabulous! It's in the artsy part of Memphis, known as Midtown, and it's actually inside of Painted Planet, a beautiful art gallery. The gallery owner, Donna, is a Survivor herself and knows how to host an awesome spa night. The once a month spa night starts with a delicious soup, wine and other yummies. I mingle (yes, me- mingling with strangers!!) and admire the art surrounding me while I eat and try not to spill all over myself. Then women with various care-giving talents donate their time and expertise to pamper women fighting cancer. The past 2 months I've gotten divine massages, energy work, facial, hand massage, and a Yoga session from Jessica.

Jessica is a Survivor, too. She's amazing in many ways, and I liked her right away. We became friends on Facebook. I like to post my Cathe workouts on Facebook, as many other Cathletes do. It's a cool way to stay motivated and get support each day. Jessica noticed all my workout postings and we talked... and here I am getting ready to get personally trained tonight!

I'm excited because to get help with my form in a few exercises after all these years of home exercising  Also, now as a Survivor my body needs special treatment and I know Jessica will understand and help me work with it and around it because she's been there herself. I'm hoping Jessica can help me devise a fat burning workout rotation/schedule that's just the right amount of challenge.

I've only been to a gym a few times in my life. I liked it just fine, but the money ran out and since I have a large collection of Cathe DVDs and home exercise equipment it just made more sense to keep working out at home. I'm a little nervous about being in a gym. I'm still afraid someone will make fun of me, or tell me I shouldn't be there. Those fears are pretty small, though. I'm so thankful for this opportunity and excited about finding new and wiser ways to workout this body! I've prayed for the opportunity to work with a trainer. And today I will!! Very cool!

Exercising & Countdown

Another countdown is winding down and somehow it's still not quite sinking in. My sister and brother-in-law have moved to Texas and by now have probably unpacked just about everything. Their kids, my Peeps, will be moving this weekend. The new branches have budded out from the family root. I didn't realize how hard it is to deal with people in my family to move away! I've been the one that moved away in the past seeking change, adventure and new-ness. However, when I moved away it was just me going, not me + Peeps going. That's a radical difference. I'm (slowly) beginning to embrace this change and turn my focus on a new way of living and the opportunities it opens up. Meanwhile, I'm cherishing every moment, even the tense ones, with 'my' Peeps.

Exercising is giving my stress and sadness an outlet. Plus, I just plain love doing it. I started out exercising to lose weight over ten years ago, and then I fell in love with it. When I exercise I'm choosing to love myself, to increase my self esteem, to decrease my chance for a third cancer recurrence, and to deal with stress in a healthy way. Exercise is also an escape and a retreat for me. I can shut the world away and turn my attention to my workout. I am so thankful I'm able to enjoy all the benefits of exercising again! I couldn't exercise through much of my cancer treatment this year which was really tough for me, but that gave me the gift of refreshed gratefulness when I exercise now.

I've been sticking to the workout schedule I created for this week. This is what it looks like~
Sunday- (done) Rodney Yee's AM Yoga for your Week, the hip opener series
Monday- (done) Repeat Sunday's Yoga and 30 minute Boot Camp from Cathe Friedrich's 4 Day Split series
Tuesday- (done) Full body weight workout- Cathe's Super Sets
Wednesday- (done) 5 interval cycles using a step which takes 30 minutes- Cathe's IMax2
Thursday- (done) 30 minutes of kick boxing from Cathe's 4 Day Split series immediately followed by Rodney Yee's Beginner's Yoga, the 20 minute rejuvenating session
Friday- (planned) Full body weights- Cathe's Push/Pull
Saturday- (planned) Low Impact cardio- either Cathe's Lower Intensity Step or Petra Kolber's Cardio Core workout from FitTV

What does exercise mean to you? How does working out improve your life? What are your favorite workouts? Yes, I really want to know!

Choices, Decisions and Plans

This week is full of toddlers, moments of joy and sadness, and general family craziness. I was tempted to set aside my health and weight loss goals for this week, but I've done that many times in the past and never felt good about that choice. So, I decided that I would figure out a way to be true to my health goals and create balance during this week for myself while still being a loving and available sister, Aunt and daughter. 

I realized last week that it would be wise to have something quick, healthy and well-balanced for me to eat this week. Soup was the first thing to come to my mind! Soup is the salad of winter for me. Unfortunately, I decided this on the fly so I didn't have all the ingredients I would have liked to use. I ended up with a lentil veggie soup that's quite tasty and used up some veggies from the fridge. I used the rest of a container of organic vegetable stock, water, sweet onion, celery, a couple carrots, a can of no salt added petite diced tomatoes, mashed up roasted delicata squash (a new squash for me which I adore!), half a bag of lentils, some thyme, some oregano, and some savory. I simmered it all in a big stock pot until the lentils and carrots were nice and tender. Nom nom!

Exercising is a major tool in my refining my health. I sat down this morning with my sister, Sally, and talked through an exercise plan for this week. I'm so glad I did!! Just taking 15 minutes to sit and plan out my workouts really helped me think it out. I've got a workout planned every day this week, and I feel confident about being to actually do it! 

Today was a great way to kick off the week. I did Rodney Yee's AM Yoga for Your Week the forward bend series with my 2 oldest nieces (ages 4 and almost 3) and my sister this morning complete with sticky mats in the small living room. Somehow we made it work, had fun, and got stretched out together! Later, we all did a 30 minute Cathe Boot Camp workout. I had fun working out with (and around) the Peeps. They bring a refreshed energy to just about everything.

I feel like I've found a good balance for myself this week. It feels really good to be making plans to help me succeed instead of just medicating my emotions with food.  Surviving cancer has given me a sense of renewal for my health goals, and what I'm willing to do as well as give up to reach them. 

Pinky's Creed

My cancer has been a catalyst to many new friendships- much to my surprise. I've never been a social butterfly, in fact making friends has been difficult for me. So, I treasure the friends I have now- old and new. Some of my new friends are Fighters or Survivors themselves and our bond was instant and deep. Other friends are supporters and cheerleaders each special to me  in their own way.  Many of my new friends are Cathletes, fans of Cathe Friedrich and her fun, intense and challenging workouts. One of my new friends, and fellow Cathlete, is Pinky Dakay. Pinky inspires me to work out harder and smarter, and to carry that into the rest of my life in a deeper way. She is one totally awesome woman, and I am thankful for our new friendship. Pinky wrote a Creed recently after reading the article New Form of Yoga Stirring Up Controversy. She's gracefully given me permission to share it with you. 

Creed

By Pinky Dakay

What if I tell you that fitness is my religion? When I’m fighting for that last rep or two, I call upon that higher self, who is stronger than I am, to carry me through. That higher self that is connected to something bigger than I am, that power that makes everything possible.

What if I tell you that when I’m squatting more than my body weight and my legs are threatening to quit while I’m down there, I PRAY to get back up? I’m not talking about the Our Father or Hail Mary. I’m talking about keeping the faith. Faith in my own body and the source that created it. I’m talking about taking that leap from “I don’t think I can”, to “YES!” Because you have to BELIEVE, before you can DO. As simple as that.

What if I say that when I cheer a friend on, I am calling upon that sacred part of her to come out and make things happen? Because it’s that part that is most able to create something good. And when I’m rooting for someone and applauding her efforts, we are somehow bonded for a moment, celebrating what has been accomplished AND the bigger possibilities that lie ahead. And isn’t that what prayer is? A connection, a celebration, the anticipation for something positive and life-affirming?

What if I confess that when I’m high-fiving someone, I see every bit of energy she has put into her goals and I feel all the aches, uncertainties, and frustrations that have lain upon her path? It’s almost like saying “Namaste” – I recognize the power and strength in you that is also within me. I greet your spirit that is struggling as much as mine is. I honor that which is holy in you, not because it’s the right thing to do, but it’s the only way to live.

Pinky's Creed speaks to my soul. Her words reflect how I feel about being a supporter to my fellow Survivors, friends who are Fighting disease of all kinds, the rest of my friends and family- and to myself.  This is, also, the spirit in which I have taken all the words and expressions of encouragement and caring from my friends and family through my cancer journey. Indeed, each of us is holy and, and I honor that in each of you. I honor that in myself, too, as I refine my health and restore faith in my body. Thank you, Pinky, for allowing me to share your beautiful, powerful and inspirational Creed. Namaste.