Releasing & Healing

During the Wings Cancer Foundation's gynecologic Survivor's Retreat two Saturdays ago, I realized that I have more healing to embrace. This next phase of healing is emotional and mental, and so far I think it's harder than the physical. I've held onto negative thoughts concerning blame and the question of 'Why me?' long enough. I'll never know the answers, because there isn't one and they don't really matter anyway.

That cancer happened to me isn't important anymore. What IS important is what I create and gain from the experience. Cancer has been a catalyst to many wonderful new experiences and relationships, and it's perfectly okay to just accept those positives without supplementing any negatives. 

I'm also ready to let go of the guilt I've been feeling over 'getting' cancer twice in 2 years. I've blamed my abusive childhood. I've blamed my father. I've blamed myself for being overweight. I've blamed emotional eating and lack of willpower. I've blamed hormone interrupting plastics and chemicals that surround us. 

All that blaming hasn't gotten me anywhere good, though. My counselor gently asked me if it truly is important to assign blame. Up until this phase of healing it felt moderately important to me, but now that importance is fading. It feels like a new dawning.... 

I'm using 3 tools to help me release the blame and guilt:

1. Feelings Buried Alive Never Die by Karol Truman

2. Writing in my new journal using the book Wings Foundation gave me at the Retreat Scribing the Soul by Kathleen Adams

3. Young Living's Essential Oils 

I'll be sharing details about each of these tools in upcoming posts. They all involve replacing negative energy (thoughts of blame and guilt) with positive energy (gratitude and Truth). I want to welcome all the positive Energy into my life as possible!!

Many thanks to Wings Cancer Foundation for the continued support as I heal..... 

If you're a Survivor who has been through the emotional healing process, please consider sharing a bit of that journey with me and my readers in a comment. 

Retreating...

It started with a postcard in the mail, an invitation to the Wings Cancer Foundation's summer Retreat for gynecological cancer Survivors. It was a fun surprise to get that kind of mail. I immediately thought it was an awesome idea and wanted to go. Then after a day or so, I started wondering if I wanted to dredge up all those cancer emotions again. I am moving forward and creating a happy successful new life, and I didn't want to lose my momentum or trip myself up.

My soul told me I should go though, and I've learned to listen. So, I went even though I was a bit afraid. I pictured lots of hugging, sad stories and crying. While there was hugging, and we did share our 'sad stories' and some of us cried (yes me) it was a marvelous experience. I'm so glad I went despite my fears!

It was wonderfully comforting to be with women who have been though what I've gone through, understand how I feel about it, and get introduced to some new methods of emotional healing. I didn't know anyone there, but I left with many new Survivor Sisters.

I also started the next phase of my healing process. My body is mostly healed. I thought my emotions were mostly healed up, too. I was wrong. It happens every now and again. Surprising, right?

The Retreat started with a light breakfast and finding comfort with people who were as outside of their comfort zone as I felt. Amazing women. Inspiring women. Strong women. Beautiful women in different stages of Fight and Survivorship. We share a deep bond, even though we may not have realized it at first. We felt it... 

The first session in the Retreat was Yoga. The Yoga instructor artfully led us through 90 minutes of gentle and calming Yoga poses. Her Spirit is full of graceful Light. Through the session she reminded us to only do what our bodies could do today, and showed us many alternative moves. Yoga is so calming, centering, empowering and healing. I'm thankful that Wings offers so many free Survivor Yoga classes.

The second session was led by an inspirational writer and speaker with a beautiful calm energy who gently led us through some Journaling therapy. That 90 minutes unlocked the door to my next level of healing. I've always loved to journal. Since I was about 9 I've found peace, problem resolutions, stress relief, and self acceptance through journaling in the past. Ironically, sometime after my second diagnosis in January of 2010 I stopped journaling. The emotions and thoughts were too raw to face at the time for me. I thought that over time I had dealt with these emotions, and moved on from them but no. I buried some of them. It was a surprisingly and disconcerting realization.

It's time to start digging them up, looking at them, feeling them, and releasing them. Wings very generously gave each Survivor a beautiful blank journaling book and journaling therapy guide book. The book is absolutely amazing... if you enjoy journaling I highly recommend it. It's not just for Survivors, it can be applied to any and all issues. I feel so richly blessed...

We shared a tasty lunch and fabulous conversation. After sharing very personal and deep journal entries we were bonded and spoke like old dear friends.. and knew that we are indeed Sisters in Survival. 

The final session was laughter therapy. Do you know much healing power is in laughing? I think it's safe to say that everyone at the Retreat felt happier, and emotionally lighter after this final session. The speaker was absolutely wonderful, and is a 3 time Survivor herself. She knew what she was talking about... and made us laugh heartily. 

Thank you, Wings Cancer Foundation. You have empowered and soothed my healing process more than my words could ever say... 

Relief. Joy. Gratitude.

I bet you thought I forgot about the promise I made for a fresh post tonight, didn't you? It's ok to admit it. I almost forgot myself! 

I've been waiting for all the final results to come back before sharing about my last round of post-treatment tests, but I still haven't gotten a call back. I've learned to assume that no callbacks are a good thing for cancer Survivors, so I'm going to just flow with it.

I went through the most tests in the least amount time this go round at The West Clinic. It was wonderful to have so little time in the waiting room! A little bizarre, too.

My 9 month follow up I had tubes and tubes of blood drawn from my Port-a-cath, a chest X-ray, a CT scan and a pelvic exam. It wasn't as bad as it sounds.

My Port worked beautifully once again. Yay!!

I was hoping to get to lay down for the chest X-ray, but I didn't. I just stood there, turned, and turned again. I even got an initial 'all ok'. That's never ever happened. Bizarre, but in a good way. It certainly put me at ease. Just having to have a chest X-ray made me a little anxious. I understand that my oncologist is covering all the bases since I am a two time Survivor, though.

Then I was off to the CT scan waiting area. There were 2 ladies already sitting there. They were talking and giggling a bit. The kind of giggling you do when you're really nervous or scared but fighting through it. I thought they were sisters, but they were mother and daughter. The mother had just been diagnosed, and this was her first CT scan. We didn't sit together very long at all, but I did my best to share some Love and Light with her. The scan made her sick and my heart went out to her. Cancer sucks.

I'm very thankful that they have upgraded the chalky CT scan barium drink to one that tastes like plain water. There's less volume and it's much easier to drink.

During the scan I actually felt a little light headed and nauseous towards the end. That's never happened to me in my long history of CT scans. It passed pretty quickly. That short experience scared me a bit, and made me wonder if feeling a little sick in the scan meant something less than good. Intellectually, I couldn't see how but Survivors don't just think intellectually during tests.

On my way upstairs to my oncologist's office (gyn Survivors have a whole special floor), I stopped in the bathroom to collect myself. I let myself cry for a couple minutes because I needed the stress release. Just being at the West Clinic is emotional for me. All I smell in there is chemo drugs and it's so icky. Then I took a few deep breaths, gave myself a quick self Reiki treatment, and thought about all my blessings.

I figured I would be sitting in the waiting room for at least an hour, but nope. Three minutes later I was in the exam room. My mom was running a bit late, but thanks to text messaging and 45 mile per hour roads between her office and the clinic she slid into the room minutes before the oncologist. Is she good or what? Just another demonstration of her awesomeness!!

Thankfully, my nurse and oncologist noticed that I've lost 17 official pounds since the end of chemo! It was nice to get some recognition and kudos from my medical team. Yay!!

The oncologist went through my questions with me. I'm still not sure when I'll have my Port removed. My onc didn't make a big deal out of that at all, so I won't either. It doesn't hurt, and it's not like anyone but me is rubbing or otherwise feeling it. Once in awhile one of my Peeps elbow me in that one tiny spot, but that's about it. I did find out that removing it won't mess up the chest muscles I've been working so hard on building and strengthening. I was incredibly relieved to hear that good news. I was prepared to keep the Port forever if it meant cutting into my new muscles!!

Then it was drum roll time. My onc sat down at the computer in the exam room to look at my test results. This is the part where I was literally holding my breath, and I bet Mom was too.



NO EVIDENCE OF CANCER!! Whoohoooo!!

However, I do have a small incisional hernia from all the scar tissue next to my belly button. And I have one really huge gallstones and a few smaller ones. Neither issue is causing me any harm right now,  so we're just going to watch and be aware. My onc did encourage me to buy a compression belt to wear while I'm lifting weights. So now I look even cuter when I lift. I'm extra thankful that I workout in the privacy of my own bedroom.

Relief. Joy. Gratitude. Freedom to move forward with my beautiful life as a (now) 10 month Survivor. 

The Day I Found Out, Part 1

Hello out there! I came home from my business convention so pumped up and excited about helping people and building my business (and physically worn out!) that I just haven't had time to blog. I'm working on a bit better balance from now on, though, because I love blogging about being a Survivor. I truly hope that my story and journey is helping other Survivors even if it's in just a small way. We're all in this Surviving and thriving thing, together from my perspective. 

I learned a lot about myself during my convention in Atlanta last weekend. The most important lesson I learned and practiced is my growing ability to be brave and bold while still being sincere and kind. 

Thanks to Twitter I found the awesome site- The Day I Found Out. It's a site where cancer Survivors  post the story of the day they found out they had cancer. Here's what the site is all about: 

"For many cancer survivors and their loved ones, this was one of the toughest days of their lives. These are their stories. This is a place where people with hope to spare can share it with those who need it most." 

Of course, I love this site. I was also a little afraid of this site, because it's powerful, emotional, raw, and brings back unpleasant memories. It's emotionally and almost physically painful to go back to those 2 days that completely changed my life. When I first found this site I wanted to record my video right away, but I couldn't get the webcam to work right and other stuff happened and I just let it go. A part of me was afraid to go back to that first day I found out as if something would break loose inside of me and not be able to be fixed. 

Then I went to a convention in the very big city (with horrible traffic!) of Atlanta alone with 60,000 like-minded people and found a new level of braveness inside me. This braveness gives me a confidence and boldness so that I am able to help other people despite my own fears. That's what my career is all about- helping people improve their lives. 

That's also a part of what this blog is about- being brave, facing fears, using words as swords, and offering supportive hope to other Survivors.

 So, after a little encouragement from one of the Tweeters behind thedayifoundout.com I set my mind on recording my Part 1 Friday morning. 

And here I am in my first ever Vlog: 

Power in Numbers

My cancer clinic, The West Clinic, has fantastic support services. Many of those services are funded and made available through Wings Cancer Foundation. I am forever grateful to West Clinic and Wings. Today I'm especially thankful because I got to have a complimentary BodyGem test. (Read about my first visit with this wonderful lady here.) This test measures your RMR, resting metabolic rate, which is how many calories your body needs to breathe, digest, and keep your heart beating while in a resting fasting state. That's right, fasting state. I've wanted to get my RMR tested for years, but never had the opportunity (or funds) until now. Thank you West Clinic!

There are a couple different math formulas that give an estimate of your RMR. Here is one that does the math for you. And here is a different one. I got 2 very different numbers from these sites, by the way. This link gives a good explanation of RMR and BMR along with the 2 most used formulas for the math whizzes out there. I learned today that calculating your RMR using any of these formulas is just an estimate though, because the math just can't account for your lean muscle and body fat. This is why the BodyGem test is so helpful! 

Since this test requires fasting I made the appointment for mid-morning. I arrived early because, sadly, Monday mornings at West Clinic are very busy which makes it hard to find a parking place. I'm thankful I'm healthy enough to be able to park in a spot farthest away from the building and walk. I had to wait for awhile because they had to update my insurance information. Meanwhile, I did my best to keep a restful relaxed disposition since that's an important aspect of the test. 

I used my self-guided imagery and breathing techniques to get me into a nice restful state for about 10 minutes before the test started. I use my best memories to create a peaceful trip to and from the beach for my guided imagery. The test itself was pretty simple- my nose was comfortably pinched and I wrapped my mouth around the breathing tube and all I had to do was relax and breathe. It lasted about 8 minutes. It felt much shorter to me, which was cool. 

My test results are very intriguing to me. My RMR, according to BodyGem, is 1440 calories. The good  news is that there are no good or bad RMRs. The number just is what it is. It's information, and info = power. Right?! Today I learned that the more muscle you have the higher your RMR. The reverse is true, too; RMR decreases as you lose muscle. Over the past year I have lost muscle due to cancer treatments (including the steroids I needed during chemo) and not being physically able to work out consistently. Now that a lot of my physical healing is behind me, I've been able to get back to consistently working out. You all know by now that I love my Cathe DVDs! I've been focusing on strength training for the past couple weeks just based on my intuition. Now I know my intuition was spot on! The stronger my muscles get, the stronger my metabolism will become and my risk of another recurrence will decrease. 

I'm, also, going to use this new information to tweak my daily calorie intake. I now know that I need to eat at least 1440 calories a day. I'm between lightly and moderately active, depending on the day, so I use these formulas: 1440 X 1.375 =  1980 and 1440 X 1.55= 2232 So, in order to maintain my weight I should eat between 1980 and 2232 calories a day. Since I want to LOSE weight, I have to lower that range. A pound equals 3000 calories. I want to lose about 1 pound per week. So I need to reduce my calorie range by 3000 for the week. 3000/7 = 429  So, my target calorie range is now 1550- 1800. There's power in numbers!!

Actually, that calorie range is pretty close to what I've been following the past few weeks. I'm glad I'm on the right track! So far I've lost 7 pounds. Yay!! I'm quite thankful to have this powerful information to help me lose weight which will reduce my risk for another cancer recurrence. That's what I'm all about these post-treatment days- giving the chance for another cancer a good beat down!

What are you doing to prevent cancer or a cancer recurrence? Have you had a BodyGem test? Tell me about your experience!

Empowered Eating

 Cancer has been a catalyst to me by opening doors to new information and the help of experts. One of those experts is my oncology nutritionist. I love this lady! She is kind, non-judgmental, eager to help, and full of knowledge. I had the great pleasure of meeting with her recently. She has given me a fresh approach to eating to improve my health and lose weight. Thanks to her (the Wings Cancer Foundation and the West Clinic's Support Services) I have a written, clear, do-able, live-able food plan will help me reach my weight loss goals, and also help my body fight and kill cancer cells. I'm excited, relieved, thankful and empowered!! Thank you, my dear oncology nutritionist!! 

I have been successfully following this new food plan for the past week. (Yes, I have lost weight!!) Of course, this new way of eating is a bit of transition for me. I'm embracing it, however, and figuring out how to make it work into my life without it taking over all my time. I'm also figuring out how to divvy up my carbs for the day, add in more olive oil and flax seeds, and eat enough protein. It requires time to plan, log my eats into SparkPeople, and- yes- prepare and cook food. I am so thankful that I already love to chop and cook!! I am also thankful for Clean Eating magazine which showed up in my mailbox at the perfect time. (I shared why I love Clean Eating magazine so much here.) 

This past Saturday I made 2 recipes from the current issue- Country-Style Beef and Green Pepper soup and Mediterranean Vegetable, White Bean and Feta Penne. Both recipes are delicious and only took me 2 hours to gather, prep, cook and clean up. I think that's a wise use of my time!! 

I didn't occur to me to share my cooking experience with you until I started on the Mediterranean Veg, White Bean and Feta Penne recipe. Bad blogger, bad bad!! 

Instead of following the recipe to the
letter by using fresh tomatoes, I
chose to use a can of undrained unsalted
petite diced tomatoes. Balsamic vinegar
and fresh garlic went into the bowl, too. It
marinated while all the stuff cooked.

Green peppers and zucchini with a wee bit of
organic extra virgin olive oil sizzled
in a medium hot skillet.

After the zuccs and peppers cooked
for about 5 minutes, the marinated
tomato mixture gets added to the skillet.

A can of navy beans gets added to

the pasta for the last minute of the

pasta's cooking time.

Then the pasta and beans get added, too.

Then the feta gets added on top with a little rosemary. I used 6
ounces of fat-free feta, but the recipe actually
calls for 8 ounces of low-fat.

Delicious!! The soup and the pasta both turned out to be deliciously clean, healthy and now ready to eat during the week. The pantry is stocked with tuna, peanut butter, fresh grapefruit, organic mango salsa, organic blue corn and flax tortilla chips, Kashi Go Lean cereal, and rolled oats. The fridge has organic baby spring mix salad, organic carrots and celery, leftover green beans, lactose-free natural cheese, organic Greek yogurt, organic lactose-free milk, organic flaxseeds, nitrate-free lean deli-style turkey, whole grain bread, and a serving of leftover Pad Thai with shrimp. The freezer's got shrimp, orange roughy, broccoli, spinach, asparagus, organic lean beef, and chicken breasts. I'm armed with healthy foods and ready for a healthy, clean, and sweaty week! 

Are you? Tell me what healthy foods you're eating this week!