Happy Two Year Anniversary to me!

Today, November 11 marks 2 official years of Remission from ovarian cancer. In case you're wondering, I've been in Remission from my first diagnosis of endometrial cancer for 4 years and 8 months. I just counted that out for the first time today. My first cancer was treated with "just" a partial hysterectomy so the whole experience doesn't get a lot of attention. Which is perfectly fine, and I'm grateful that it was a relatively simple treatment for my body.

I'll talk more about that when I celebrate my 5 Year Remission Anniversary, though.

Survivors keep track of dates pretty well despite chemo brain. We have our own defintions of words like Remission. Some Survivors honor and remember the date they were diagnosed. Some celebrate or mourn surgeries, CT scan results and new treatment  courses. There are as many anniversaries as there are Survivors, and we all have different reasons and rhymes. Often times a special party or gift isn't required-though always nice. For me, it's more of a quiet private remembrance and opportunity for deeper gratitude. 

I did receive a special and treasured gift, though. My Angel of a Mom got me a 10" Andriod Tablet with a case that has an external keyboard. (No flowers or cashmere this year, onto new things!) This is the perfect gift and I absolutely adore it! In fact I'm using it to write this post. I've never used the Blogger app before... hope it works right! Thank you, Mom, for everything. I appreciate your unconditional Love, support and encouragement deeper than any words I could say or write.

I count this as my Remission Anniversary because it was on this day 2 years ago when my gyn oncologist first said that beautiful word to me. I had completed chemo 2 months prior, but wasn't given this treasured title until my body healed and I had a 'good looking' CT scan.

I remember sitting on the exam table, barely covered in a paper blanket with my mom sitting a few feet away in the chair that's too close to the door. My doc was reading the computer screen that was a couple feet from me, between mom and me. Doc was in the middle as if standing between my future health. Doc said it casually but Mom and I jumped on the word. Doc high fived me, and I hugged Mom even before getting dressed.  We were so relieved and grateful. And continue to be everyday. Remission is a daily gift, much like breath. There are no guarentees, only the joy of now.

I celebrated today with my family in a beautifully (now) typical Sunday. Church, lunch with most of the family and sweet moments of laughter with my Peeps at Mom's house. No one talked about Remission, we didn't have to. We're all grateful to be living in it. I spent the rest of the day doing life stuff- studying for Continuing Education exam, gratefully completing another Couch 2 5K workout (I ran for 3 whole minutes- twice!!), healthy dinner for 1, and phone conversations with a couple of dear friends.

I also indulged in a big frosted cookie and a luxurious bath in lavender.

A simple, peaceful day of gratitude for Remission, and all the men and women in our Military who have served, are serving and who will serve  in the future. I appreciate the daily sacrifices, and the ultimate sacrifices, the men and women of the Marines, Air Force, Navy and Army choose to make for the sake of Freedom. 

Awkward Anniversary

Yesterday marked the 2 year anniversary of my final chemo treatment. Which is wonderful. And kind of awkward. Yes, I had cancer twice. Yes, I consider myself a Survivor. I was a whole person with dreams, problems and a life before I had either cancers. Then for about 3 years I was a cancer patient. And now I'm an upgraded model of myself post cancer. Different dreams, different problems and a whole different beautiful life.

Cancer doesn't define me. It's a chapter in my life's story that has led me to now. Now is very good and I'm quite grateful for all the people, experiences and places that envelope my life.

I'm emerging from the cocoon of individual Survivor into a butterfly of advocacy for ovarian cancer awareness and research. Yes, I'm still a Survivor and always will be. Yet I want to let go of my ultra-personal relationship to cancer. Let go of daily thoughts and memories of it. Release the addiction I sometimes feel to my cancer story. I want to let go the story of who I was and what happened to me so I can open myself to the possibilities in the NOW.  It happened therefore I'm a Survivor and now I'm also an advocate...

I'm also a sister, a daughter, an Aunt, a friend, an educator, a car dancer, a runner, a Course in Miracles student, a blogger, an essential oils lover, a scrapbooker, a dreamer, and a believer in Love and God. Cancer does not define me. Cancer isn't what makes me interesting or special. It happened to me, I got treatment, I'm better now. I'm deeply grateful for the experience of cancer, and will apply what I learned from those experiences with me as I move forward with my life.

All of that is true, but then how shall I deal with these cancer anniversaries that tick in my head? This day I chose to celebrate by going to a Couch 2 5K graduation for my Teal Sister Deb and advocating to raise awareness of ovarian cancer and the upcoming Teal for a Cure 5K to the hundreds of women at the event. Then I went to my Yoga class which felt really wonderful. I spent the afternoon doing more advocacy work from bed in my comfy clothes. Then I ate a healthy dinner with a treasured friend, saw a second run movie and had an amazing discussion about Marianne Williamson's book A Return to Love after reading 2 chapters out loud to each other.

I celebrated by living my life, by making a point to enjoy it a bit more today.

Ringing the Bell at West Clinic 9/16/2010 to celebrate completing chemo

Days of Teal

I left you with the promise to share what Ovarian Cancer Awareness Foundation in Memphis is doing to raise awareness of OvCa this TEAL month of September, and I always keep my promises. 

Our next event is our monthly support networking group on Thursday Sept 20th 6:30pm at the Junior League building 3475 Central Ave just off Highland (near Univ of Memphis). We are having a guest speaker, Lynn Watson of Footsteps in Eden. She's going to tell us about reflexology, how it can play a role in treatment and post-treatment recovery, teach us some moves we can do on our own and give a demonstration of what a treatment is like for 1 lucky attendee. We'll have snacks and story sharing, too, of course. 

Next is the BIG ONE! Teal for a Cure 5K Walk/Run (or 1 Mi Fun Walk) at Shelby Farms on Saturday the 22nd starting at 8am (race starts promptly at 9am and will go around a paved Chickasaw Trail). There will be a silent auction, Dove release for Teal Angels, live music from the Wolf River Rednecks, Door Prizes, Teal Touch mini-massages, the unveiling of our new logo (it's AWEsome), and the Teal Corner shop. If you haven't registered yet, you can do so here. 

If you don't live around Memphis, and can't join us for the Walk, I'd deeply appreciate the support of your donation. You can be a spirit runner or walker for only $15 and you'll get a T-shirt, or you can simply donate to OCAF. But you know you want that Tshirt!!

Your donation will have greatly deep meaning to me this year for 2 reasons. First, I'll soon be celebrating 2 full years since completing and surviving chemo. This is gigantic! 

Second, for the first time ever in my entire life I will be running and walking this 5K. Yes, you read that right. I've let go of my old saying that I only run if I'm being chased. Now I run because I can. I run because my body is able to run. I run because I can make my own definition of running (I recently learned that you can make running mean and look like whatever you want to yourself). I run because I'm grateful to this body and soul that has been through the darkest of tunnels and come out to find abundant bright Light and Love.

I was inspired to start running just a couple of weeks ago by a Teal Sister, and blogger, Deb. She's been training using Couch to 5K and will be graduating from that program this Saturday morning. I'm going to cheer for her and celebrate that she CAN run with her. She's a little older than me and has a bit less time in remission than me, and so I could think of absolutely no reason I shouldn't at least try to run. 

And now I love to run. Well, I love that I can run then I start running and feel great for a little bit then it feels challenging  but then I stretch under the big trees in the park and get that glorious runner's high for the rest of the day and love it all over again.

So, would please support me in my first ever running 5K? 

My next post I'll share my complex feelings of being out of treatment for 2 full years, and even more Days of TEAL in Memphis with OCAF. 

Light and Love going out tonight, and always, to all the lives that were lost and forever altered by the events of 9/11/01. I saw this quote today and thought it fit in beautifully with my upcoming cancer anniversary and memorial of 9/11/01~ 

“There is a saying in Tibetan, 'Tragedy should be utilized as a source of strength.' No matter what sort of difficulties, how painful experience is, if we lose our hope, that's our real disaster." Dalai Lama XIV

 

1st Year Anniv

Happy anniversary, happy anniversary, happy happy happy anniversary- to ME!

Exactly one year ago today I heard the beautiful word REMISSION from my gynecologic oncologist. (Here's how I felt last year on this day.)

Formerly-my Marine sent me 2 dozen beautiful roses about a week ago to brighten the celebration. He was so sweet to include peach roses in honor of my first diagnosis of uterine cancer. They were gorgeous, and I deeply appreciate his gift and poetic note. Thank you for remembering and sharing a piece of the celebration, wherever you are serving our country. 

This morning I was really emotional, and had a few crying spells. I cried out of relief for continued Remission. I cried out of feeling overwhelmed with all the things happening in my life that I can't control. I cried over Veterans Day... missing my Bapa (may he Rest in Peace) and missing "my" Marine. I cried for the Survivors that I care about that are in the Fighting stage and aren't feeling the joy of Remission yet. And I cried for those Fighters who will never know the joy of Remission. I cried out of guilt.

Today was a day to celebrate, though. So I shed my tears and then moved forward.

I celebrated by sleeping a bit late, honoring Veterans by doing an oldie but goodie Cathe Friedrich workout called Bootcamp (it's a circuit workout with 8 cycles of 1 minute of cardio, upper body, lower body and core exercises), studying for next week's securities exam, an extra long shower with luxurious shea butter salt exfoliation...

 a delicious lunch of divine twin lobster tails and a shared brownie macadamia nut sundae with the best Caregiver in my world at Bonefish Grill (thank you, Mom!), and topped the celebration off with finding the perfect pair of trouser jeans that I've wished I could fit into for a long time. An absolutely lovely afternoon of celebration!! I'm filled with thankfulness.

I thought it would be interesting to see how my look has changed from the beginning of my second diagnosis in January of 2010 to today... I hope to get back to this first picture soon... but I know that old me is gone. This post treatment look and feel is completely different, and I'm still learning to love and accept this as I strive improve my body and health.

Pre- dx 2 in October of 2009 back in South Florida.

I moved home to West Tennessee in May of 2010, after radiation. Relay for Life in Fayette county was the following weekend. My mom and I shared a big hug before the walk began. 

The day I started chemo, my nephew was born. He was so sweet to wait until my first treatment was over so Mom and I could be there for him and his mama.

A couple weeks later my hair started falling out. This was the short haircut I got to try to delay the process and deal with it emotionally. That didn't last long... This was the night my sister Heidi, my mom and I had a margarita party and shaved my head. 

An interesting look for me... I was so thankful to have a new baby to snuggle up to.

A couple weeks later I got a wig. I only wore it once. It just wasn't me. 

I was just getting used to going bald in public and around the house when this picture was taken in July. 

By the end of July I had accepted being bald fairly well. I only kept these eyebrows and stray strands for a couple weeks. 

My last chemo treatment was 9/15/10 and I got to ring the big bell.  I felt so weak and sick standing out there in the sticky heat, but I was thankful that chemo was over.

Last fall I looked like a ghost. 

Last Halloween.... 

11/11/10- Remission-ing in celebration cashmere.

By early December I had some fuzz on my head again, and I was so glad though I didn't really like how I looked during the re-growth. I was thankful to have eyebrows again.

By January I could sport a faux hawk. I'm wearing my celebration cashmere sweater again here. Yay for cashmere in teal!

By March (remember my trip to Vegas?) I didn't look so much like a chemo patient anymore, thankfully.

By May I had short dark curls that were finally starting to look good to me. This was last year's Relay for Life shirt that my sister and I designed for the Team her employer sponsors every year.

  

August of 2011... curls starting to grow out which is wonderful and awkward too. Can you believe how big and adorable my nephew is now!? So many changes in just a year for both of us... 

Here's how the 'do looks today... the curls seem to be here to stay though I am getting some length. I can put some hair into a ponytail now. There's one curl in the front that does this annoying Michael Jackson thing. I really really hope that grows out soon.

 I'm wearing a new cashmere sweater in celebration of my first full year of Remission. I hope to have a dresser full of celebration cashmere sweaters...

I couldn't sleep the night before my port a cath removal surgery. What if the surgery left a big hole in my chest that never healed? What if I can't work out again? A big case of the what if's. I gave myself a self-Reiki treatment, read a few affirmations from Louise Hay's You Can Heal Your Life, and watched (aka previewed so I'm a little bit mentally prepared for it) a few DVDs from Cathe Friedrich's new Low Impact Series. 

I woke up with an uneasy feeling in my gut about going through with the port removal. I called a dear spiritual  friend and asked for guidance. He knows me very well and knew the right questions to ask to guide me to a calmer place and form a plan. I decided to go, but ask the surgeon some questions and then decide whether or not to have the surgery. My body, my choice. 

Cancer treatment can take away a lot of power and choices in your life. I didn't want to get the port put in, but I didn't get much choice. So in having it removed I wanted more control.

I believe in Angels among us. God blessed me with a sweet Survivor sister Angel as I checked in. I recognized her by her bright teal toenails. A sister in ovarian cancer Survival, Carol greeted me with a hug and asked what I was doing at West Clinic. She was there to pick up a CD of a recent test, so she had a little time. She met my mom and talked with us about the pros and cons of port removal. She understands the depth of such dilemmas. I felt much better after talking with her, and thankful that God always has His hand of love and comfort on me. 

I was foolishly surprised to get an IV stick. It hadn't occurred to me that port removal surgery would require an IV. Funny the things my mind thinks about and the things it completely disregards. Thankfully, the nurse only had to stick me once. Ouchie!! 

I waited with my mom for 90 minutes with the IV in my arm before I even got back to the surgery prep room. The nurse started the paperwork, and I asked questions. Apparently no one has ever asked these questions before, because she didn't know the answers. She asked a surgeon to come talk with me. She couldn't have been kinder or patient with me, and I deeply appreciate it. 

The surgeon was also kind and patient. He said there was no reason not to have it removed, and explained in great detail why and what would happen to my body after it was gone. There's no muscle involved, the port was subcutaneous (just under the skin). This is important info to me as a Cathlete. I didn't want to damage my hard earned muscles! I felt satisfied and decided to have it removed. 

As I started to undress I realized that I wore the wrong shirt. I wore long sleeve fitted shirt because it's a bit cool here. That was the wrong choice because it was painful and awkward to take off over my IV especially when I can barely move my arm. My mom had to help me. ha! 

I climbed onto a very narrow table that I'm surprised that I fit on. The nurse and 2 surgical techs got me and instruments prepped. I made jokes about blood spurting because they had my covered with blue medical paper and the CT scanner covered with a big shower cap like thing. Even though it was Halloween, no blood spurted out. I was given local anesthesia and something to help me relax, but I could feel pain-less pressure of the surgeon cutting out the port and was wide awake. Yep, that's right. It's an amazing and creepy feeling. The surgeon and I had a nice discussion about finance and in a few minutes I was free of the port. 

After it was out I felt the urge to see this port. The nurse cleaned it up and gave it to me to keep. It's like a cancer Survivor's medal of honor. Wanna see? 

Doesn't it look like a tiny computer mouse? It's about 8 inches long and it's about 1/2" thick. No wonder it stuck out of my chest so much! 

I'm relieved to have this foreign object out of my body, yet thankful for the service it provided to me during chemo. I'm going to keep it as a reminder and interesting show and tell piece. 

I'm counting down 10 more days until 1 full year of official remission. I have something fun and special planned for the blog that day. Meanwhile, here's a peek at how much my hair has grown since the last time I shared a picture. It's still dark and really curly, but I can almost put it in a ponytail. I have so much to be thankful for.... 

1 Year Chemo- Free Cancerversary

Today is a special cancerversary for me. A year ago today, at exactly this time, I was getting my final chemo treatment. I was completely bald, and at the point having great pain in the bones of my legs, my feet were numb most of the time, I was very tired and very weak. Still, I was thankful that I had a loving family, especially my Mom who is the best Caregiver in the universe!!, a God who comforts, heals and loves me, sisters who made me feel confident in my beauty to be out in public completely bald and who kept me laughing, for my Peeps who showered me with their love and support in their own special and innocent toddler ways, new and old friends who cheered me on from near and far, and for the precious gift of life even though I was sick. 


Here's a look back at my very first post when I looked like a ghost. (That's right, I'm a poet too. ha!)
http://cancerasmycatalyst.blogspot.com/2010_10_17_archive.html


A year later and I've been in remission just over 10 months. I have a full head of very curly and darker brown hair. I still get tired sometimes, but it's happening much less often. I'm thankful for the energy level I have now, because I still clearly remember what it feels like to not have any energy. I'm still thankful for all the blessings in my life, and I'm grateful that over the last year that list has grown. I'm thankful to own my own business though I work hard and long hours, I get to choose the days and times I work. Sometimes I even get to work in my PJs! I also  get to choose who I work with and when, and I have the opportunity to be Leader and invest my energy into motivating other people to dream big and create wealth for themselves. I'm thankful to my body for amazing me as I completed Cathe's Shock Training System. I'm thankful that I get to spend  a day a week with 2 of my Peeps, and help my sister. 


I find myself with lots of tears today. Tears of joy. Some from the painful memories of chemo. Some for the people I know that won't get to celebrate a year free from chemo, or cancer. Some tears of guilt and confusion.Some of overwhelming thankfulness.  


And some of frustration with my body. About 3 weeks ago I had my first ever sciatica flare/issue/pain. For about a week it was excruciating to stand or walk, or do just about anything else.  Slowly, my body is healing thanks to 2 reflexology treatments and Young Living's essential oils. I haven't been able to work out, and it's extremely frustrating. Cathletes NEED their daily sweat and burn fix!!


Truth is that this sciatica issue, in my left leg, reminds me all too much of the pains of chemo. Instead of the crushing bone feeling, though, I have a burning cord feeling down the back of my leg. My left heel is partially numb. So even though I've come sooooooooooo far in a year, at this moment I'm not feeling it. There's a little voice in the back of head what's wondering if I'll ever be able to work out with Cathe Friedrich's DVDs again. Will I ever walk 100% normally? Will this numbness melt away? These are questions I was asking myself a year ago. It never occurred to me that I'd ask them again.


 I'm healing and I'm believing that I will walk normally again and have normal healthy body again. It happened once, right? 


Happy cancerversary to me! Here's to more cancerversaries to Fighters and Survivors everywhere!! 

http://www.cafepress.com/+fighters_survivors_taken_1_oc_white_tshirt,255977068

Starting Again. Again.

Where to start? I have so much to share with my dear Readers, but haven't the time. Same ol' story, I know.

I'm working on refreshing this blog and bringing it back. Again. Please look on the right side of the screen... My dear friend Sarah drew this piece of me in celebration of Remission. She'll be writing a Guest Post about her inspiration for this beautiful piece soon!

I'm 18 days away from a full year since chemo treatments. I can't believe it's been a year!! I've glossed over many cancerversaries the past several weeks. Though they each have deep meaning to me, my focus has been elsewhere. I think that's a good sign. I've focused mostly on my business, but also on finishing Cathe Friedrich's Shock Training System (STS) and releasing negative emotions through Young Living essential oils and writing in my journal.

Remission is beautiful and full. I thank God every single day for this amazing life, even on the days when I'm not feeling particularly grateful because human life is sometimes challenging. Those are the times when it's most important to have a grateful heart.

Releasing & Healing

During the Wings Cancer Foundation's gynecologic Survivor's Retreat two Saturdays ago, I realized that I have more healing to embrace. This next phase of healing is emotional and mental, and so far I think it's harder than the physical. I've held onto negative thoughts concerning blame and the question of 'Why me?' long enough. I'll never know the answers, because there isn't one and they don't really matter anyway.

That cancer happened to me isn't important anymore. What IS important is what I create and gain from the experience. Cancer has been a catalyst to many wonderful new experiences and relationships, and it's perfectly okay to just accept those positives without supplementing any negatives. 

I'm also ready to let go of the guilt I've been feeling over 'getting' cancer twice in 2 years. I've blamed my abusive childhood. I've blamed my father. I've blamed myself for being overweight. I've blamed emotional eating and lack of willpower. I've blamed hormone interrupting plastics and chemicals that surround us. 

All that blaming hasn't gotten me anywhere good, though. My counselor gently asked me if it truly is important to assign blame. Up until this phase of healing it felt moderately important to me, but now that importance is fading. It feels like a new dawning.... 

I'm using 3 tools to help me release the blame and guilt:

1. Feelings Buried Alive Never Die by Karol Truman

2. Writing in my new journal using the book Wings Foundation gave me at the Retreat Scribing the Soul by Kathleen Adams

3. Young Living's Essential Oils 

I'll be sharing details about each of these tools in upcoming posts. They all involve replacing negative energy (thoughts of blame and guilt) with positive energy (gratitude and Truth). I want to welcome all the positive Energy into my life as possible!!

Many thanks to Wings Cancer Foundation for the continued support as I heal..... 

If you're a Survivor who has been through the emotional healing process, please consider sharing a bit of that journey with me and my readers in a comment. 

Retreating...

It started with a postcard in the mail, an invitation to the Wings Cancer Foundation's summer Retreat for gynecological cancer Survivors. It was a fun surprise to get that kind of mail. I immediately thought it was an awesome idea and wanted to go. Then after a day or so, I started wondering if I wanted to dredge up all those cancer emotions again. I am moving forward and creating a happy successful new life, and I didn't want to lose my momentum or trip myself up.

My soul told me I should go though, and I've learned to listen. So, I went even though I was a bit afraid. I pictured lots of hugging, sad stories and crying. While there was hugging, and we did share our 'sad stories' and some of us cried (yes me) it was a marvelous experience. I'm so glad I went despite my fears!

It was wonderfully comforting to be with women who have been though what I've gone through, understand how I feel about it, and get introduced to some new methods of emotional healing. I didn't know anyone there, but I left with many new Survivor Sisters.

I also started the next phase of my healing process. My body is mostly healed. I thought my emotions were mostly healed up, too. I was wrong. It happens every now and again. Surprising, right?

The Retreat started with a light breakfast and finding comfort with people who were as outside of their comfort zone as I felt. Amazing women. Inspiring women. Strong women. Beautiful women in different stages of Fight and Survivorship. We share a deep bond, even though we may not have realized it at first. We felt it... 

The first session in the Retreat was Yoga. The Yoga instructor artfully led us through 90 minutes of gentle and calming Yoga poses. Her Spirit is full of graceful Light. Through the session she reminded us to only do what our bodies could do today, and showed us many alternative moves. Yoga is so calming, centering, empowering and healing. I'm thankful that Wings offers so many free Survivor Yoga classes.

The second session was led by an inspirational writer and speaker with a beautiful calm energy who gently led us through some Journaling therapy. That 90 minutes unlocked the door to my next level of healing. I've always loved to journal. Since I was about 9 I've found peace, problem resolutions, stress relief, and self acceptance through journaling in the past. Ironically, sometime after my second diagnosis in January of 2010 I stopped journaling. The emotions and thoughts were too raw to face at the time for me. I thought that over time I had dealt with these emotions, and moved on from them but no. I buried some of them. It was a surprisingly and disconcerting realization.

It's time to start digging them up, looking at them, feeling them, and releasing them. Wings very generously gave each Survivor a beautiful blank journaling book and journaling therapy guide book. The book is absolutely amazing... if you enjoy journaling I highly recommend it. It's not just for Survivors, it can be applied to any and all issues. I feel so richly blessed...

We shared a tasty lunch and fabulous conversation. After sharing very personal and deep journal entries we were bonded and spoke like old dear friends.. and knew that we are indeed Sisters in Survival. 

The final session was laughter therapy. Do you know much healing power is in laughing? I think it's safe to say that everyone at the Retreat felt happier, and emotionally lighter after this final session. The speaker was absolutely wonderful, and is a 3 time Survivor herself. She knew what she was talking about... and made us laugh heartily. 

Thank you, Wings Cancer Foundation. You have empowered and soothed my healing process more than my words could ever say... 

Whaddya know?

Apparently this blog doesn't write itself... Hmpf. I wish I could just think a post and have it magically appear. On second thought, that may terrify everyone. Nevermind.

No, I'm not quitting or giving up this blog. Life has been beautifully busy, but short on hours.

Here are some upcoming topics (yes, soon):

A convention that changed my life.... My 9 month post chemo battery of tests and scans report...  My wonderful quality time with all 5 of Peeps this summer... Strength training pride... My first encounter with Cross Fit... Weight loss update... How essential oils are improving my life...

That should get the ball rolling again. Fresh post coming up on Wednesday evening. Pinky swear.

Cleaning Up

I've been a bad blogger lately. I've had plenty to say (when do I not? ha!), but just haven't had time to write. So, I've asked a couple very special people to help me keep this blog alive and hopping by writing Guest Posts while I'm away on business. Be on the lookout tomorrow morning for the first one!


I realized, yes again, that there just isn't going to be a 'normal' in my life. I'm okay with it, I just need to learn to adapt my clean eating to it on a much better level. 


No, wait a minute. Actually, I kind of LOVE that my life isn't 'normal'. I just want to learn to eat cleanly in every un-normal scenario. The key is planning and having quick clean eats to grab no matter what. I'm going to be practicing over the weekend while on a business trip. I have a few clean-ish protein bars, Clean Eating's Cajun red beans and rice with turkey sausage packed up and ready for the cooler, clean drinks for the ride and the hotel (to save money, too!), snack size baggies of nuts, a bag of organic popcorn for noshing, and my head screwed on clean and straight. 


The past few days have been transitional-clean (yes, I made up that term) after nearly 2 solid weeks of unwise choices while my sisters and their kids were visiting and playing. It's wasn't 100% awful, there were some clean eats squeezed in here and there but nothing consistent. Not surprisingly I felt pretty bad most days. 


I think, for me, part of going berserk is rebelling against this 'new' way of eating that cancer forced upon me. I'm in the midst of my next round of post treatment check ups. (My last set of tests is this coming Thursday, and I should get all the results at the end of the day.) These days have an anxious undertone to them which makes me want to find comfort in food. I know better, yes. And yes I've chosen to embrace clean eating as a long term way to fight against another cancer recurrence among other health reasons. No one has forced it on me, besides me and the research I've done and can't ignore. Still, I forget about all that sometimes. (Damn you chemo brain!!)  I'm remembering again and feel oh soooo much better already! 


I had a fabulous 75 minute reflexology treatment from my dear friend at Foot Steps In Eden on Monday, been doing self-Reiki treatments every day, just finished Cathe's STS Meso 2 today and eats are getting cleaner and cleaner. Ahhhhh. And Ommmmm.


Curious about Reiki and Reflexology? Look for my friend Tricia's guest post here tomorrow. It's a goodie. Many thanks, Tricia!! 

Grateful in this Village

My TX sister, aka Sally, has decided to stay another week with her Peeps! YaY!! I'm very thankful for the extra days to spend with all of them.

I'm also thankful that my sister and I have the special kind of relationship that allows for honesty. After the decision to stay was made I sat down with her and expressed how important it is to me to eat healthier/cleaner and have time to continue my Shock Training System rotation this week. She was wonderfully understanding and supportive, and it meant the world to me! We've written out a family schedule and plan for the week including my workout times. I love being organized, planning for fun and striving for balance! It's a family thing. ;)

I felt deeply loved this morning when I came downstairs and the Peeps ran in from outside and gleefully smothered me hugs and kisses. I realized in those bright moments that my latest cancerversary funk has lifted. These Peeps are sure good for my soul...

That schedule worked beautifully today! I did STS's Disc 20- Meso 2 Week 3 Legs (tri-sets!!!) this morning. My oldest Peep came in halfway through and wanted to watch me. She asked very sweetly so, of course, I let her. She sat on my bed, watched me work out, colored pictures of me and then taped them all over the walls.

She draws me a thin person, and I think that's awesome. I hope and strive to be an example of excellent health, humble self-concept, respect and love of your body, balance, and unconditional love. These drawings showed me that the Village of my family that is raising this beautiful tender-hearted young lady are doing lots of things right. I'm grateful to be a member of this Village...and for sisters who welcome me in.

Tomorrow morning we're taking all 5 Peeps to a new and very cool park, and then my sisters and I are taking the boys to lunch and shopping. It's sure to be wild and crazy fun! I wouldn't be anyplace else....

Baby Peep's 1st Birthday & Cancerversary

A year ago today, at about this time, I was almost finished with my very first chemo treatment. This cancerversary is hitting me hard today. I don't really understand why. I've felt overwhelmed with raw sadness and fear a few times today. I had a few hysterical crying meltdowns, even.  I got crabby with the fussy birthday baby boy, and then felt like the worst person on the planet for doing so.

I've come such a long way since chemo, but it feels like I have such a long way to go to earn the title 'fully healthy' again. I don't LOOK like I'm cancer-sick anymore, and that's awesome. However, I still don't LOOK healthy either and that's frustrating. I get angry with myself- with my body- over it sometimes. I do my best to replace that anger, frustration and sadness with thankfulness, peace, and self-love. I kind of forgot about those replacements this morning, but now I remember.

One of the many things I'm thankful for is that the baby Peep of my family was born today. I'm thankful for it because it brings happiness to a day that otherwise wasn't very happy. I'm thankful that I felt good enough to go from my chemo suite directly to the women's hospital. I'm thankful that my sister, Heidi, shared her precious new baby boy with me. I got to hold him very soon after he was born which was a very special treat.

And so did Nana...

I'm thankful for all the time I've gotten to spend with JJ. It was a wonderful gift to have a sweet baby to snuggle with through treatment and these early months of remission.

We've grown hair together, too!

I let his Mama have some snuggle time, too. 

And his Daddy and sister, Kallie, too. 

I've thankful to be able to watch him, and my other Peeps, grow up. 

I'm thankful the laughter and joy my Angel Fish brings to my family.

Happy FIRST Birthday, JJ! 

I'm still riding on from last Tuesday's awesomeness. I couldn't actually put together or otherwise play with my new Cathe Turbo Tower until Friday. Thankfully it was very easy to assemble! I had to rearrange the furniture in gym/bedroom to make everything flow together well, but I'm thrilled with new set up. Wanna see?

This is what I see what I walk into my room. Awesome!!

The drawer is open to show the paper plate I'm using in Cathe's STS series for Leg work, but it's hard to tell. 

Love it!! Many thanks, dear Marine, for the thoughtful and useful gifts. Stay safe, wherever you may be.

This Memorial Day I'll be remembering and honoring my Bapa who served in the Navy during WWII, my Great Uncle Harvey who was wounded in WWII, 'my' Marine and his military brothers many who have served since Persian Gulf War, my mentor and dear friend Curt who served in the Air Force during the Vietnam War and later in the Navy, his son Byron who is currently serving in the Army, and any man or woman who has proudly served with honor and duty. Thank you for putting your life on the line for freedom and justice. I wish all the member of the military and their families wisdom, courage, Divine protection and a safe return to United States soil. 

Our Gift to the Fallen
A Short Poem by Charlie Gragg
Penryn, California

For each soldier that has fallen so that many may stand
We honor their spirit as they pass to God's hand
For without their sacrifice we would live forever in fear
We pray for their loved ones and provide a salute and a tear
God help us heal the wounds of hate and the misery of war
That is our gift to our fallen heroes that are amongst us no more.

My 2011 Relay

Ready to go to the Fayette County, TN, Relay for Life walk! The shirt I'm wearing was designed by my sister Heidi's bank branch to raise money for the BancorpSouth Relay team. They've raised almost $4000 which amazing for a small community! Many thanks to BancorpSouth, Amber B, Amber M, Jessica, my sister and all the other BancorpSouth employees who donated their time and talent to a successful Relay event.

You can still buy this Believe shirt (well not THIS exact one, but one exactly like it) and the black Angel wing shirt (below pic shows the back) in short or long sleeve. 

 

If you don't know what Relay for Life is all about click here. It's truly AWEsome, meaningful and touching.

As I promised, I Tweeted from the event, but the cell coverage wasn't reliable and the phone battery didn't hold up to the pressure of taking pictures and Tweeting very well. It was hard to walk and type at the same time anyway. If you'd like to read my Tweets from that evening, click here then click on my Profile to read my history from May 21. 

My Survivor shirt! I felt relieved, joyful, proud and nostalgic putting on this purple shirt. I was thrilled to fit quite comfortably into a smaller size than I did last year, too. 

As always, Relay kicks off with the Survivor lap. I was in the front of the crowd this year because I'm a 'new' Survivor as I've been in Remission for less than a year. That felt surreal. It must be longer than THAT, right? 

This year all the Survivor's were given purple balloons and at the end of the Survivor's Lap we let them go. It was neat, in it's corny way. No, I didn't get a picture of the balloon release. 

The next lap is the Care Giver's lap. My sister Heidi and I walked hand in hand. My other sister and Mom were greatly missed. They have been incredible Care Givers, too. 

This year walking laps was very important to me. I had hoped to walk all night, in the true spirit of Relay, but wasn't physically able and my sister had an obligation Sunday afternoon so she needed some sleep. I am very grateful that I was able to walk for the better part of 5 hours. Last year I wasn't able to do even 1 full hour. The memory of how physically and emotionally exhausted I was at last year's Relay in Fayette County was forefront in my mind this year. 

As I walked I thought of my Nana and the pain and suffering she went through for her cancer treatment. She was such a gentle and kind soul and didn't deserve that, or any, pain. I thought of my friend Shelley's sister who recently went to Heaven after her long battle with cancer. I thought of my friend and Survivor-sister Jessica who is in treatment for a recurrence and did a triathlon that morning. Jessica is such an inspiration! She is a personal trainer who has kept working and working out as she goes through chemo! I thought of my new Facebook friend, fellow Cathlete and Survivor-sister, Carola and the struggles she's been facing trying to start her treatments. I thought of my new friend, Kim, who I had just met that night. She's my Survivor-sister, too and has just begun chemo. I walked for all of us, and all the other Survivors out there and everywhere. I cried, I smiled, I remembered and I walked. 

Anyone who has had cancer is a Survivor, in my mind. It took me a while to think of myself as a Survivor, though. Now a Survivor, to me, is anyone who has heard the words 'you have cancer'. It feels as if your world is ending in those first shocked moments, but right then and there you start surviving- even before you start fighting. 

Remember this pic? October seems soooo long ago!

The most fun I have at Fayette County's Relay is the dancing part of the evening. Around 10pm, when people are starting to get tired, the dance party starts. Heidi and I danced the Electric Slide, Chicken Dance, Macarena, Casper Slide and Cupid Shuffle. I'm don't know the steps to all these dances very well, but I had a blast. I was even able to do all jumps, my once chemo-ed out and sore knees have made huge strides! I was filled with joy and gratitude. I'm not sure if there are any pictures of Heidi and I dancing, but if some (good) ones show up I'll share them with you. 

After a water and snack break, I got back on the track and continued walking. I walked with a thankful heart and mind. My feet and knees were starting to fee sore. I was reminded of the intense pain I felt in my legs during chemo. I wasn't sure if that pain would ever fade. I thought about how strange it had felt to experience such tremendous pain that didn't stem from a physical injury. Feeling pain after a physical injury makes logical sense, right? Pain that comes from medicine that's supposed to be making me 'better' was hard to understand and accept. Feeling pain from walking so long made sense, and knowing that in a day or so I that pain would melt away was comforting. I am in control of my pain, my joy and my thankfulness level. That realization completed the circle of Relay for Life for me this year. 

Flashback to my first ever Relay for Life. Marco Island 2009. 

Around midnight my body had given out, my sister had completed her volunteer duties. We were ready to go home. 
I've come a LONG WAY in a year. I'm thankful for another year to Celebrate. Remember. Fight Back with my fellow Survivors. May we all be able to join together next year....