Teal 5K

The beautiful and busy TEAL month of September has somehow ended already. It was an incredible month of activity and advocacy to raise awareness of ovarian cancer which left me little time to write about it. Ironically when I was blogging regularly I didn't have much of a life, and now that my life is so rich and full I haven't much time for blogging. I'm grateful for this life I've created, and am committed to blogging much more often.

This tiny blog is about to play a big role in a project called The Zen Method that I am honored and excited about... but I'm getting ahead of myself.

My last post was right before Teal for a Cure, my first running/walking 5K. Last year this event, without the 5K, had 225 participants. This year with the 5K added in we had an astonishing 909 participants! It was a sea of glorious TEAL. It felt surreal being there with all those people... I felt like I missed so much of it even though I was there... overwhelming grateful to everyone who worked so hard to create and support event and for all the people who donated their money and sweat to raise awareness of ovarian cancer.

Before the Race started the cameras clicked...

My running guru for the hour, Susan. She knew when to push me and when to slow down. She rocks.

My 2 oldest Peeps, TEAL Princesses. They were so excited to be at the "Teal Walk'.

I wasn't well prepared for this Race in many ways. I started training way too late and pushed myself too hard. I didn't get much sleep for the whole month of September, especially the 2 nights before this Race. I didn't drink nearly enough water the morning of the Race, and only ate a banana. Mentally I pushed those things aside, but my body was not to be tricked. I was about out of steam and my body tried to tell me by setting my throat on fire when I woke up at 5am. 

So, I Raced unprepared, exhausted, un-hydrated (un??)... but I was determined to Race.

I ran in memory & honor of my friend, fellow Cathlete & Teal Sister who earned her teal Wings a couple days before this Race.

My new friend, and Teal Sister, Marie (pictured below) graciously and thankfully ran and walked along side me and Susan. She came from out of town to be a part of the event, and didn't know anyone. I know her mom, a graceful strong and kind woman, and so I befriended her. Marie has those same beautiful characteristics of her mom. I am honored that she stuck with me through the Race as I know she could have finished much faster if she choose to. That's what Survivors- despite the color of our ribbons- do for each other. We hang on, hang in, encourage, share... 

L- Leisa Middle- Marie R me

There were A. LOT. OF. HILLS. I heard seasoned runners call this course 'tough'. The first mile was all shady climb then it flattened out and the sun beat down on us. My running guru for the hour, Susan, was so encouraging and kind. She even made up a cheer for me to the Mickey Mouse tune' C O N N I E it's her first 5K! Yay!'. God love her. 

I didn't have time before the long walk up hill to the start line to grab my interval timer so decided to just wing it. Not so smart. So I ran as much as I could, but walked much more than I had intended. My body was exhausted and just wasn't going to be forced into a stellar performance. 

Then again, I WAS out there giving it my all ... and I'm quite proud of that. 

We hit the second water hole and I couldn't believe we were two thirds done! I had a burst of energy and thankfully we got back into shade. I pushed along... and then there was the 3 mile flag. JOY!! Susan encouraged me to run that last 0.1 of a mile- downhill- to the finish line... and we did. I ran as fast as I could and was pleasantly shocked to see 56 minutes on the timer. By some wonderful miracle I was going to finish in less than 60 minutes despite all the circumstances. 

My official time was 57:37. 

I'd love to say that I looked victorious crossing the finish line. You know, fist pumping in the air as I slide gracefully through the finish line with a bright smile on my face. That would have been a lovely story. 

Instead I crossed the finish line and threw up a little. And very ungracefully threw myself on the nearest piece of grass and collected myself. Susan got me an apple, my sister Sally (who also ran her first 5K and finished in 55 minutes!!) got me water, and a lady I didn't know fanned me. My brother in law's Uncle Steve stood by and made sure I was recovering... and I did. The apple and water helped a lot. I stretched some and rejoined the group for the event's finale. We released doves in memory of our Teal Angels, including the lovely Virginia.

If you'd like to see more pictures of the event, please LIKE the Ovarian Cancer Awareness Foundation's Facebook page. 

By 1pm I was sound asleep on my couch.. after a long nap and quiet evening I was proud to put on this handmade, specially made for me, bling shirt from my Florida friend Lesile. If you like her work, please LIKE her Facebook page. She will be happy to bling you up! I will wear this shirt often. Thank you, Lesile!!  

1st Year Anniv

Happy anniversary, happy anniversary, happy happy happy anniversary- to ME!

Exactly one year ago today I heard the beautiful word REMISSION from my gynecologic oncologist. (Here's how I felt last year on this day.)

Formerly-my Marine sent me 2 dozen beautiful roses about a week ago to brighten the celebration. He was so sweet to include peach roses in honor of my first diagnosis of uterine cancer. They were gorgeous, and I deeply appreciate his gift and poetic note. Thank you for remembering and sharing a piece of the celebration, wherever you are serving our country. 

This morning I was really emotional, and had a few crying spells. I cried out of relief for continued Remission. I cried out of feeling overwhelmed with all the things happening in my life that I can't control. I cried over Veterans Day... missing my Bapa (may he Rest in Peace) and missing "my" Marine. I cried for the Survivors that I care about that are in the Fighting stage and aren't feeling the joy of Remission yet. And I cried for those Fighters who will never know the joy of Remission. I cried out of guilt.

Today was a day to celebrate, though. So I shed my tears and then moved forward.

I celebrated by sleeping a bit late, honoring Veterans by doing an oldie but goodie Cathe Friedrich workout called Bootcamp (it's a circuit workout with 8 cycles of 1 minute of cardio, upper body, lower body and core exercises), studying for next week's securities exam, an extra long shower with luxurious shea butter salt exfoliation...

 a delicious lunch of divine twin lobster tails and a shared brownie macadamia nut sundae with the best Caregiver in my world at Bonefish Grill (thank you, Mom!), and topped the celebration off with finding the perfect pair of trouser jeans that I've wished I could fit into for a long time. An absolutely lovely afternoon of celebration!! I'm filled with thankfulness.

I thought it would be interesting to see how my look has changed from the beginning of my second diagnosis in January of 2010 to today... I hope to get back to this first picture soon... but I know that old me is gone. This post treatment look and feel is completely different, and I'm still learning to love and accept this as I strive improve my body and health.

Pre- dx 2 in October of 2009 back in South Florida.

I moved home to West Tennessee in May of 2010, after radiation. Relay for Life in Fayette county was the following weekend. My mom and I shared a big hug before the walk began. 

The day I started chemo, my nephew was born. He was so sweet to wait until my first treatment was over so Mom and I could be there for him and his mama.

A couple weeks later my hair started falling out. This was the short haircut I got to try to delay the process and deal with it emotionally. That didn't last long... This was the night my sister Heidi, my mom and I had a margarita party and shaved my head. 

An interesting look for me... I was so thankful to have a new baby to snuggle up to.

A couple weeks later I got a wig. I only wore it once. It just wasn't me. 

I was just getting used to going bald in public and around the house when this picture was taken in July. 

By the end of July I had accepted being bald fairly well. I only kept these eyebrows and stray strands for a couple weeks. 

My last chemo treatment was 9/15/10 and I got to ring the big bell.  I felt so weak and sick standing out there in the sticky heat, but I was thankful that chemo was over.

Last fall I looked like a ghost. 

Last Halloween.... 

11/11/10- Remission-ing in celebration cashmere.

By early December I had some fuzz on my head again, and I was so glad though I didn't really like how I looked during the re-growth. I was thankful to have eyebrows again.

By January I could sport a faux hawk. I'm wearing my celebration cashmere sweater again here. Yay for cashmere in teal!

By March (remember my trip to Vegas?) I didn't look so much like a chemo patient anymore, thankfully.

By May I had short dark curls that were finally starting to look good to me. This was last year's Relay for Life shirt that my sister and I designed for the Team her employer sponsors every year.

  

August of 2011... curls starting to grow out which is wonderful and awkward too. Can you believe how big and adorable my nephew is now!? So many changes in just a year for both of us... 

Here's how the 'do looks today... the curls seem to be here to stay though I am getting some length. I can put some hair into a ponytail now. There's one curl in the front that does this annoying Michael Jackson thing. I really really hope that grows out soon.

 I'm wearing a new cashmere sweater in celebration of my first full year of Remission. I hope to have a dresser full of celebration cashmere sweaters...

Crossing CrossFit

CrossFit. 


The day after I first published this post fellow blogger, Memphian and cancer Survivor Chris published an awesome CrossFit post. I felt like his post should be included. What Exactly Is CrossFit by chris beat cancer  offers a successful Survivor doing CrossFit perspective. You have my total respect, Chris. 

If you've never heard of it, just don't know much about it, or if you need some fresh exercise ideas spend some time perusing CrossFit Exercises. Be warned- you could be there all day.

Amazing. Crazy. Ultra-challenging. Inspirational. Unfathomable at times. Awesome. And just a tad intimidating. Right?

I have a connection to CrossFit, if you can believe it. This past February through April I participated in an online bloggers body challenge hosted by Strong is the New Skinny bloggers Marsha and Adam. No, I didn't follow a paleo way of eating. No, I didn't do any CrossFitting. But I rubbed virtual elbows with some very cool paleo eating CrossFitters. Remember? It was inspiring.

Since I completed this challenge I've had a lingering curiosity about CrossFit and the paleo way of eating. It whispers to me, eggs me on. Taunts me. I felt pretty safe because I didn't think there were any CrossFit gyms (is that what they're called?) in Memphis. No, I didn't bother checking or searching. I just assumed, and you know how that goes. 

Then I went to my suburb's first farmer's market a couple Saturdays ago and found myself standing in front of a CrossFit gym. Then I found myself standing INSIDE said CrossFit gym. That's right- 

inside. 

CrossFit Bartlett played a very big role in bringing a farmer's market into the community, and I'm very grateful. So on the market's opening day the gym was offering a free look-see and workout. I was so excited when the lady at the snow cone booth told me about it! (Yes, I'm aware of the irony.) Beyond excited, really. Crazy excited, and giddy. I couldn't wait to go check it out!! 

So my mom and my sister's 3 toddlers and I went in. That's right- all of us. Thankfully, this gym is fairly kid friendly and had some toys. I'm pretty sure there wasn't any A/C though. It was really hot and humid that day. 

It didn't look like any gym I'd ever seen before, but it was the coolest gym I've ever seen. It was also the scariest and most mysterious gym I've ever seen. I wasn't dressed for any kind of workout and had on the wrong shoes, so I was going to just observe. I was disappointed and relieved at the same time. 

The owner of the gym and one of the trainers talked with me for a few minutes. I found myself signing up for a free one on one introduction workout. One of the members- a very kind man- came over to me and explained how the gym worked. I appreciated that act of kindness very much!! I was pretty surprised (and disheartened) that none of them had even heard of Cathe Friedrich, though. 

I watched members perform exercises that I wouldn't think would be humanly possible. 

http://www.flickr.com/photos/crossfitbartlett/page8/

This is some version of a hybrid pull-up/core exercise. Seriously, I watched a guy jump up and grab the bar then pull his toes up to his fingers. My jaw was on the ground. I'm quite sure that I couldn't have even jumped up and held onto the bar. 

The longer I watched and took it all in, the more out of place and uncomfortable I felt. I felt weak and flabby-like an ugly scarred unpopular fat girl that didn't fit in. It was a bummer, because I had been looking forward to the CrossFit experience for quite awhile.

I had found out just a few days before this that I have an incisional hernia, and had been cautioned by my oncologist to wear a very stylish compression belt when I workout. It didn't seem logical that CrossFitting was to become a part of my life. Even more secretly, I wish it could be. 

I left before the exhibition workout started. The kids were antsy and it was really hot. I had to get out of there. I was ball of emotion, and was close tears. I can't do CrossFit workokuts, I knew it in my soul as I walked out the door. I felt very disappointed and frustrated with this body that has survived cancer twice. My oldest niece asked me why we were leaving, and I started crying when I told her the truth- Aunt Connie can't do this, honey. I hated having to tell her that truth. Since the end of chemo 10 months ago I've brought this body and mind a really long way (I thought), but being there made me feel like it wasn't good enough. I don't want to feel like I'm not good enough. 

I couldn't stop thinking about it, though. I had set an appointment, remember? I called my oncologist on Monday, asked the burning question and waited for a call back. My soul was right, I can't do CrossFit according to my oncologist. She thought it was pretty crazy to even consider it, actually. She's probably right, but I didn't like hearing it. 

I'm disappointing and frustrated about it, and a bit relieved too. I felt embarrassed writing the 'sorry I have to cancel my appointment' email to the owner and trainer, but they were both gracious and understanding. 

So, I came across CrossFit, and had to cross it out. 

Perhaps after I lose my extra weight and have the hernia repair surgery I'll be able to try it. I sure hope so. 

Are you a CrossFitter? How did you get into it? Share your experience with me! 

The Day I Found Out, Part 1

Hello out there! I came home from my business convention so pumped up and excited about helping people and building my business (and physically worn out!) that I just haven't had time to blog. I'm working on a bit better balance from now on, though, because I love blogging about being a Survivor. I truly hope that my story and journey is helping other Survivors even if it's in just a small way. We're all in this Surviving and thriving thing, together from my perspective. 

I learned a lot about myself during my convention in Atlanta last weekend. The most important lesson I learned and practiced is my growing ability to be brave and bold while still being sincere and kind. 

Thanks to Twitter I found the awesome site- The Day I Found Out. It's a site where cancer Survivors  post the story of the day they found out they had cancer. Here's what the site is all about: 

"For many cancer survivors and their loved ones, this was one of the toughest days of their lives. These are their stories. This is a place where people with hope to spare can share it with those who need it most." 

Of course, I love this site. I was also a little afraid of this site, because it's powerful, emotional, raw, and brings back unpleasant memories. It's emotionally and almost physically painful to go back to those 2 days that completely changed my life. When I first found this site I wanted to record my video right away, but I couldn't get the webcam to work right and other stuff happened and I just let it go. A part of me was afraid to go back to that first day I found out as if something would break loose inside of me and not be able to be fixed. 

Then I went to a convention in the very big city (with horrible traffic!) of Atlanta alone with 60,000 like-minded people and found a new level of braveness inside me. This braveness gives me a confidence and boldness so that I am able to help other people despite my own fears. That's what my career is all about- helping people improve their lives. 

That's also a part of what this blog is about- being brave, facing fears, using words as swords, and offering supportive hope to other Survivors.

 So, after a little encouragement from one of the Tweeters behind thedayifoundout.com I set my mind on recording my Part 1 Friday morning. 

And here I am in my first ever Vlog: 

And Now, My Sister Sally Shares...

Hello, I'm Sally White, Connie's sister. I'm not a blogger so I'm just going to jump right in. Like I said Connie is my sister, a two time Cancer survivor, a Cathlete and my best friend.

 Connie has inspired me to eat healthy and exercise, if she can do it so can I.

I am a mother of three wonderful children and I have a great husband. I am blessed to be able to stay at home to raise our kids which doesn't leave me a lot of free time to exercise. I have recently found my balance, I workout at night after the kids are all asleep and everything is picked up. 

I enjoy cooking healthy meals for my family. We have gotten the kids addicted to fruit and veggies. These rare children would rather eat apples than pizza!!

I tried to workout when our oldest was a baby, but I couldn't wrap me head around it with going to college, being a new mom and everything that went with it. Although I did enjoy exercising with my sister and sometimes our mom. 

It didn't help that I was very unhappy with the way I looked. I was a size 6 before I had Zoey, and I gained over 80lbs while I was pregnant, which was awful. I just wanted my body to snap back to normal, but of course that didn't happen. The more I did try the more I got mad at myself, I told myself that it wasn't working nor was it worth it... I was stuck in this body and nothing I did would change it.  I just gave up. I regret that now, but I can't go back. All I can do is focus on now.

So here I am 5 years later and I'm giving it my best shot. Connie got me into Cathe Friedrich and I love her! She makes me work, sweat, "feel the burn" and it hurts so good!!! I am still very new to working out and its HARD, but so worth it. I can now do Cathe's Travel Fit DVD, which I never thought I would do. I rotate Travel Fit and Low impact- Total Body Sculpting, and I also run after the kids (it's exercise, I swear ).

I don't want these exercises to become "easy" after a few more weeks I would like to move up to something harder and eventually do STS.

For now, I am happy that I can do any of it!

Cleaning Up

I've been a bad blogger lately. I've had plenty to say (when do I not? ha!), but just haven't had time to write. So, I've asked a couple very special people to help me keep this blog alive and hopping by writing Guest Posts while I'm away on business. Be on the lookout tomorrow morning for the first one!


I realized, yes again, that there just isn't going to be a 'normal' in my life. I'm okay with it, I just need to learn to adapt my clean eating to it on a much better level. 


No, wait a minute. Actually, I kind of LOVE that my life isn't 'normal'. I just want to learn to eat cleanly in every un-normal scenario. The key is planning and having quick clean eats to grab no matter what. I'm going to be practicing over the weekend while on a business trip. I have a few clean-ish protein bars, Clean Eating's Cajun red beans and rice with turkey sausage packed up and ready for the cooler, clean drinks for the ride and the hotel (to save money, too!), snack size baggies of nuts, a bag of organic popcorn for noshing, and my head screwed on clean and straight. 


The past few days have been transitional-clean (yes, I made up that term) after nearly 2 solid weeks of unwise choices while my sisters and their kids were visiting and playing. It's wasn't 100% awful, there were some clean eats squeezed in here and there but nothing consistent. Not surprisingly I felt pretty bad most days. 


I think, for me, part of going berserk is rebelling against this 'new' way of eating that cancer forced upon me. I'm in the midst of my next round of post treatment check ups. (My last set of tests is this coming Thursday, and I should get all the results at the end of the day.) These days have an anxious undertone to them which makes me want to find comfort in food. I know better, yes. And yes I've chosen to embrace clean eating as a long term way to fight against another cancer recurrence among other health reasons. No one has forced it on me, besides me and the research I've done and can't ignore. Still, I forget about all that sometimes. (Damn you chemo brain!!)  I'm remembering again and feel oh soooo much better already! 


I had a fabulous 75 minute reflexology treatment from my dear friend at Foot Steps In Eden on Monday, been doing self-Reiki treatments every day, just finished Cathe's STS Meso 2 today and eats are getting cleaner and cleaner. Ahhhhh. And Ommmmm.


Curious about Reiki and Reflexology? Look for my friend Tricia's guest post here tomorrow. It's a goodie. Many thanks, Tricia!! 

Grateful in this Village

My TX sister, aka Sally, has decided to stay another week with her Peeps! YaY!! I'm very thankful for the extra days to spend with all of them.

I'm also thankful that my sister and I have the special kind of relationship that allows for honesty. After the decision to stay was made I sat down with her and expressed how important it is to me to eat healthier/cleaner and have time to continue my Shock Training System rotation this week. She was wonderfully understanding and supportive, and it meant the world to me! We've written out a family schedule and plan for the week including my workout times. I love being organized, planning for fun and striving for balance! It's a family thing. ;)

I felt deeply loved this morning when I came downstairs and the Peeps ran in from outside and gleefully smothered me hugs and kisses. I realized in those bright moments that my latest cancerversary funk has lifted. These Peeps are sure good for my soul...

That schedule worked beautifully today! I did STS's Disc 20- Meso 2 Week 3 Legs (tri-sets!!!) this morning. My oldest Peep came in halfway through and wanted to watch me. She asked very sweetly so, of course, I let her. She sat on my bed, watched me work out, colored pictures of me and then taped them all over the walls.

She draws me a thin person, and I think that's awesome. I hope and strive to be an example of excellent health, humble self-concept, respect and love of your body, balance, and unconditional love. These drawings showed me that the Village of my family that is raising this beautiful tender-hearted young lady are doing lots of things right. I'm grateful to be a member of this Village...and for sisters who welcome me in.

Tomorrow morning we're taking all 5 Peeps to a new and very cool park, and then my sisters and I are taking the boys to lunch and shopping. It's sure to be wild and crazy fun! I wouldn't be anyplace else....

I'm still riding on from last Tuesday's awesomeness. I couldn't actually put together or otherwise play with my new Cathe Turbo Tower until Friday. Thankfully it was very easy to assemble! I had to rearrange the furniture in gym/bedroom to make everything flow together well, but I'm thrilled with new set up. Wanna see?

This is what I see what I walk into my room. Awesome!!

The drawer is open to show the paper plate I'm using in Cathe's STS series for Leg work, but it's hard to tell. 

Love it!! Many thanks, dear Marine, for the thoughtful and useful gifts. Stay safe, wherever you may be.

This Memorial Day I'll be remembering and honoring my Bapa who served in the Navy during WWII, my Great Uncle Harvey who was wounded in WWII, 'my' Marine and his military brothers many who have served since Persian Gulf War, my mentor and dear friend Curt who served in the Air Force during the Vietnam War and later in the Navy, his son Byron who is currently serving in the Army, and any man or woman who has proudly served with honor and duty. Thank you for putting your life on the line for freedom and justice. I wish all the member of the military and their families wisdom, courage, Divine protection and a safe return to United States soil. 

Our Gift to the Fallen
A Short Poem by Charlie Gragg
Penryn, California

For each soldier that has fallen so that many may stand
We honor their spirit as they pass to God's hand
For without their sacrifice we would live forever in fear
We pray for their loved ones and provide a salute and a tear
God help us heal the wounds of hate and the misery of war
That is our gift to our fallen heroes that are amongst us no more.

Surrounded by Awesome with a Twist of Romance

I have been surrounded by awesomeness this Tuesday!! It began with passing a state exam. Whoohooo!! After sharing the exciting news with family and friends over the phone and Facebook I went shopping at Target. I found a great deal on a Dremel-like tool that I've needed for awhile, and I found a pair of capris on clearance that fit me beautifully in a new smaller size. 

Awesomeness x 3!

While I was shopping something happened to me that hasn't happened in an extremely long time. A good-looking man flirted with me and asked me out on a date. Actually, I'm pretty sure that this has NEVER happened to me. He's a Target employee so he started off the conversation by asking if he could help me with anything. I told him that I found what I needed, and held up the Gorilla tape. He asked what I was using it for and I told him. Then he asked if my husband was going to be helping me. I chuckled and said no, and did the same when he asked about a boyfriend. He seemed really surprised that I didn't have a boyfriend. Honestly at this point I felt like he was making fun of me. Isn't that pathetic? This guy is going out on a limb and sweetly flirting with a complete stranger and in my head I'm questioning WHY he would want to talk to me.  

He asked if I had kids, and again no. He was really confused now. It was sweet and funny. He introduced himself and asked my name. I told him my first name and shook his hand. He told me that I was beautiful and he couldn't believe I was single because I was 'hot'. He actually used the words 'beautiful' and 'hot' to describe me! I know I'm beautiful, but I think of myself more as a beautiful soul than a beautiful woman. I never think of myself as 'hot'. I was embarrassed, self conscious and uncomfortable at this point. He asked if he could have my number and if he could take me out. I laughed nervously, thanked him as sweetly as I could, but declined the offers. 

Still, it was a totally awesome experience! 

I'm 95% sure I don't want to date anymore. I definitely do not feel comfortable or safe dating a total stranger. Every now and then I daydream about going out with a man just for fun- to see a movie together or take a walk through a park, or have a conversation over a tasty meal... Then I remember all the pain that I caused myself and my ex-boyfriend the last time I got this desire for romance. I never want to cause that kind of pain to anyone ever again- myself included.

Then there's the whole 'I'm a cancer Survivor' issue and most men, I'd bet, wouldn't want to date a lady with that kind of medical history. I wouldn't blame him, honestly, because it's a lot of baggage. Disagree? Tell me why, leave a comment. 

Perhaps the biggest reason for not wanting to date is that my heart still belongs to a Marine who is proudly serving overseas. We were together without being actually together because of his service for 10 years. I'm over-simplifying in a huge way here. I moved for Florida in 2007 and started my life on a new path while he continued to serve. We still love each other, but just couldn't keep it together while being apart. Since I've moved back to Memphis he's sent me flowers for special occasions and always includes a sweet poetic note. 

Today he sent me these awesome gifts to celebrate being home for year and my increasing strength!!

AWESOMENESS X 2!!

 I'm extremely grateful, dear Marine. It's been very challenging to lift my loaded barbel up off the floor! And I can't wait to experiment with all the different chin-up and pull-up positions! 

What an incredibly awesome surprise!! I am beyond thrilled and excited!!

Wondering about the Yoga DVD? A few years ago I got a DVD with these 2 Yoga sessions (using the word 'workout' to describe this type of Yoga just doesn't fit to me) plus one for stress relief as a gift. My former roommate and very dear friend bonded with this DVD, and so I let him keep it when I moved home last year. I have missed it a lot, but have bought other Rodney Yee Yoga DVDs in an attempt to find a new favorite. It just hasn't happened though. The Marine kindly remembers how much I adored this AM Yoga session and somehow instinctively knew I needed it in my life again. I was so excited to have my very favorite Yoga sessions that I did the PM session tonight while at my sister's. My body and soul are thanking me. I'm very much looking forward to AM Yoga on Friday, which will be the first chance I'll have this week. 

What an amazingly awesome filled Tuesday!! 

Getting Riled up for Relay

Cancer anniversaries are strange. Some are very happy and full of relief. Some are sad. Some are both. Many of my cancer anniversaries have happy and sad aspects. These recent anniversaries stir up some sadness and fear of the unknown for me. The Spirit part of me wants to shut down the little voice of doubt as I know that negative thoughts of any kind breeds negative energy. And I know that the opposite of Love and Light is negative energy masked in fear or doubt. I know that I have a lot of power when it comes to choosing and changing my thoughts. LOVE is healing and Light. I've been using this knowledge as a weapon, but it's been a struggle today.

I want to keep this blog as full of positive energy as I can, but I would be remiss if I didn't share the dark times. My life isn't all sunshine and roses. There are times when I worry about being too much of a burden on my family, wonder about health insurance and upcoming cancer check-ups. There are moments when the reality of what I survived rushes into my soul and burbles out in some way.

A very good and wise friend suggested earlier today that I may be in the process of releasing some old negative emotions. As the day went one I felt more and more that she was right. I'm thankful for wise and dear friends. I really do feel as if  I'm releasing some of the old fear and sadness from my treatment days. Somehow knowing this made it okay to feel my way through it and cry it out. Today was a cancer aftershock brought on by anniversaries and my annual Relay for Life walk. I'm proud of myself for not turning to food for comfort. I turned to exercise instead. I did 4 different Cathe Friedrich DVDs today. I loved it, all that sweat is cleansing. I started the workout with 25 minutes of step aerobics, then it was onto STS Disc 15 Back & Biceps, then I added on the bonus stability ball abs from Butts & Guts, and finished it up with a 15 minute stretch using the stability ball. I'm so thankful that my body can workout like this again, and for the refuge of exercise.

Relay for Life brings up a lot of emotions for me. It just so happens that the weekend after I moved home last year was Relay weekend. I even gave a speech, which honestly wasn't very good. ha! I think of all the people I know that are Survivors now and the kinship I feel with them. I've been thinking of the people I know that have passed on to the next life because of cancer... and of the women that I know who are Fighting with all their might right now. I don't happen to know any men, personally, right now who are Fighters. Cancer doesn't discriminate though.

This year's Fayette County, Tennessee, Relay for Life Walk is this coming Saturday, the 21st, into Sunday morning. If you're able to donate monetarily I would very much appreciate your donation of any size. If you're not able to donate money, then please take a moment to send your Love and Light to cancer all Survivors and Fighters. My sister, Heidi, and I will be Celebrating. Remembering. Fighting Back just the two of us this year. I'll also be Tweeting through the evening and night. So if you haven't followed me on Twitter yet, don't wait much longer!

May 17, 2010- An Anniversary

An excerpt from my Caring Bridge Journal, May 17, 2010

Today is my last day of work and living in Naples, Florida and so I thought a final Florida update would be appropriate. 
I continue to deal with side effects from the internal radiation treatments. It's still burning when I urinate, although I've gotten tougher and rarely cry because of it anymore. Cranberry juice helps take the edge off the burning, but there's only so much sugary juice I can handle in a day. My tummy problems have calmed down quite a bit, though I still have to be careful about what I eat or else my body screams and fusses. I'm slowly adding in fresh veggies (mostly salads, because I totally love salads and miss them so much!) and whole grains into my daily life. The fatigue that radiation causes is waning, although now I'm tired from all the packing, sorting, and trips down the stairs to the garbage cans. All the work that has gone into moving has paid off. I am ready to go, and all my preciouses are boxed up and piled up in the dining room. I hope it all fits in the mini-van.........eeeekkk!

I had a PET scan last Tuesday to see if there's any metabolic activity (which means cancer activity in PETscanese). I will get the results of that scan tomorrow (Tuesday) morning at my final meeting with my gyn oncologist here in Florida. I already have an appointment with my new gyn oncologist in Tennessee, it's May 26th. It's amazing to me how well speciality doctors and their offices can work together- sometimes. My FL gyn onc's nurse got my referral for me, made sure that the new gyn onc is on my insurance (she is, yay!), and made sure my records got transferred. So, it IS possible and I am thankful for it. My friends and co-workers are throwing me a Farewell Party after work today. After the party, we're loading up the mini-van (hopefully with some help from the big strong guys at the party) so that once I leave the condo in the morning to go to my doctor's appointment in Fort Myers we can just keep going North. 

Today~

I can't believe it's been a year since I've been home. I've been through soooo much this past year. I've been in remission for 8 months now. WhooHOOO! I'm an Aunt to 5 adorable Peeps now. I've started and been successful at a new career after leaving my job in Florida. I've lost almost 20 pounds!! I've gone from a physically sick person who literally couldn't stomach fresh clean foods (I know it sounds crazy!) and didn't have very much strength or stamina for workouts to a relatively healthy consistent exerciser (I'm a Cathlete!) who is, thankfully, able to digest clean foods again. 

My list of things to be thankful for has grown exponentially. My group of friends, supporters and Survivor-Sisters has grown beautifully, too. I've gone from long wavy hair to 100% bald to really curly growing-out hair. 

I've gone from 2 sisters physically near to me, to one that's in Texas now.  I miss her and those precious 3 Peeps deeply. I've gone from being too physically tired to walk up the stairs after radiation, to not having the physical strength to walk up the stairs during chemo, to being in intense pain while walking up or down the stairs after chemo, to walking the stairs normally. 

Big and little changes and improvements... I'm thankful for each one of them as they have brought me here today. And today is very good. 

Gratitude is when memory is stored in the heart and not in the mind. ♥ Lionel Hampton

Surviving Rough Roads

Hey there, remember me? My blog has been pretty quiet lately. I've been writing and re-writing this post in my head for the past several days, but I kept chickening out. Since Easter Sunday I have allowed myself too many un-clean eats. I had planned on eating for fun and celebration ON Easter. The problem was that I didn't make a clean plan for Monday, or Tuesday or, well you get the idea.

One of my goals for this blog is to be honest about my life as a Survivor. There are times when I don't want live from a Survivor's perspective, though. Sometimes I just want to enjoy the moment. I want to get down on the floor with my toddler nieces and nephews and let them playfully and joyfully crawl on me and not worry about hurting my knees or anything else. I want to eat fast food and drink beer with my sister and just talk about random stuff without having to wonder if what I just ate and drank would be the start to a third recurrence.

This way of living- short or long term- isn't good for weight loss, of course. How will these food choices affect my weight loss?, has been the loudest question in my mind for years. Yes, I should think of this question before I eat. Yes, I should do this more often. It's something that I, an emotional eater, have been working on and improving for years.

However, the more potent and relevant question to myself should be- How will this food choice affect my risk of a third cancer recurrence? Asking myself this question before I eat something is critically important. Taking the focus off weight loss is also critically important, because losing weight is just one part of the preventing a third go-round. Yes, losing weight is important but it's not my ultimate goal. Losing weight is the wonderful side effect of clean plant based eating for me. If I thought, ate and planned from this greater perspective it would eliminate that pesky weight loss question mark. Crazy cool, huh?

Surviving cancer twice has been the catalyst to eating cleaner, yes, but also to exercising smarter, enjoying my family and friends in a deeper way, sharing this journey of Survivorship with honesty so that other Survivors and Prevent-ers may find inspiration, and finding peace with my food and body issues.

But how do I reconcile those days of unclean food choices once they are over? As I Survivor I wonder if that half a cheeseburger and cheese curds I shared with my mom and sister while on a mini-vacation last weekend will be the meal that starts that third recurrence on a cellular level. Living in fear isn't the answer, I realize, but for me an ounce of fear for another recurrence can sometimes act as a good motivator and reminder. It's difficult to find the balance between healthy fear, planning and everyday living for me as a Survivor.

Yesterday's gone and I can't go back. So, I'm moving forward with a refreshed attitude and approach, cravings satisfied, a few new fitness friends, and a clean eating plan. This Survivor's journey travels some rough roads at times, but I keep moving forward!

Easter 2011 vs 2010

My life is dramatically-and wonderfully- different this Easter than last Easter.

Last Easter I was almost halfway through my external radiation treatments. 

This Easter I've been in remission for 7 months.

Last Easter I worked a 8 hour shift by myself in a beautiful resort on Marco Island, Florida.

This year I got to spend the holiday with Mom, one of my sisters and her Peeps. I missed my other sister and her Peeps very much.

Nana and 'Lily'

My sister Heidi and her daughter (aka 'my' Lily)  

The baby of the whole family

Last Easter I was dealing with a terrible allergy flare up in addition to the unpleasant side effects of radiation.

This Easter I have essential oils to relieve my allergies in a gentle and all natural way.

Last Easter weekend my sister Heidi cut off her long curly hair and donated it to Locks of Love in my honor. Today most people would never know I was bald a few short months ago.

Last Easter was my other sister's, Sally's, birthday. 

This year Easter is late. I still don't understand why.

Sally and 2 of her Peeps (I call them Georgie Boy and  Cupcake.)

Last Easter I was just beginning to read the Anti-Cancer Book. 

This Easter it's my new normal way of eating.

Last Easter I was dating a man, but it didn't work out. 

This Easter a man I've loved for a long time, and who is serving his country overseas, sent me flowers to celebrate Easter and my Remission. The note included this quote by Emily Bronte~ 

There is not room for Death, Nor atom that his might could render void: Thou - Thou art Being and Breath, And what Thou art may never be destroyed. 

Last Easter my body wasn't able to work out as hard as my mind wished.

This Easter I started Week 3 of Cathe Friedrich's Shocking Training System.

This is me pre-cancer #2, October 2009, on the back porch of my old Florida home.

I am thankful that I have so much to be thankful for this Easter. 2011 Easter wins, definitely.