The Tide Turns...

I'm celebrating some running milestones today. The tide has (finally!) turned in my running life. I feel profoundly grateful. If you follow my Page on Facebook Catalysts to Connie's Wellness, you probably know that I'm in training for my very first Half Marathon. I have friends coming from all over the country to run with me and support me in the St. Jude HM on December 7th. My birthday is a few days after that so we'll celebrate my first 39th birthday, too.

About a year ago I started training for the Ovarian Cancer Awareness Foundation's first 5K, and my first 5K. This 2 time gyn cancer Survivor couldn't run for 30 seconds at a time. Last night I posted on FB about my run and then after I wrote it and laid down to sleep I had a deep thought. I didn't doubt my ability to run 5 miles. Not even a tiny bit. And I didn't put that in my FB post, because it was a given to me. This is MAJOR for me. In fact, I feel quite confident that I could run a HM right now, I just wouldn't fall into the race's time limits yet. Maybe. This is an overwhelmingly amazing and proud realization... Wow!

Today I joined the Breakaway running store's St. Jude M & HM training group at 7 AM for 5 miles. On a Saturday. After a really long and challenging week. I've never run with a group like this before, and I was intimidated and anxious because I'm one of those 'slowest winners'. I met up with a lady I met on FB and she made me feel welcomed.

I attended the St. Jude kickoff a couple weeks ago and learned from Coach Kevin to use long run days as experiments. So I tried out a new bright teal sports bra- and love it! I was going to try out a bigger water bottle, but decided this morning to stick to my usual outdoor running bottle and it worked just fine. I had trouble with my new favorite socks on my last long run, but that was on the 'mill. They work beautifully outside, and I'm thrilled!

I also experimented with my food fuels. I ate 1 piece of cinnamon bread with grass fed butter and drank a dark almond almond milk on my drive to the meet up. I pre-mixed my own post run electrolyte water (1.5 tablespoons organic maple syrup, 3 drops Young Living's orange essential oil and 2 drops of lemon EO with 1/8 tsp of Himalayan salt). I brought 1 baggies of organic bunny gummies for my halfway point and that worked really well and fits perfectly in my shirt pocket. So all my experiments were successful!  Love that!

Apparently all the cool running kids have Garmins. I have a RunKeeper app, which works pretty well for me. I've never been a 'cool kid', and that's okay. I've learned to accept and love myself as I am right now and challenging myself to soar higher.

There were about 50 people or so running, some going for 10 miles and others for 5. We all started together at 7. I started my RK a bit early. After about 3 minutes everyone, and I do mean everyone, passed me. No one else was run/walking. It threw me off a little but I found my groove. Run a minute. Walk a minute. Repeat. Right Left Right Left.

Then I came to a fork in the Greenline and took the wrong path. They had the map available on the Map My Run app but that app baffles me. I was frustrated... but I knew that I would be okay. I had missed 2 runs this week due to allergies and sinuses challenges so I was okay with running extra today. Then I came to another fork and went the wrong way again, but didn't get too far before passing a nice lady who set me straight.

I have RK to set to give me feedback every 15 minutes, but I hadn't heard anything in what seemed like a really long time but I could see that it was on. So I pulled out my phone and checked, hoping I was at least a mile in. I was pleasantly surprised to see 1.81 miles! Astounding!! A couple minutes later I was blown away again when I earned a 2 mile personal best- of 32:07!! Holy moly!! All that treadmill work has been paying off!!

At 2.5 miles there was supposed to be a water truck, but my RK accidentally got stopped and I lost track of exact mileage. I went further than I thought it would be but never found the truck. It may have left. I was glad I hadn't counted on it and had plenty of water.

So I turned around... The Greenline is gorgeous and well shaded! And there's even a bathroom! I hadn't brought my iPod because I wasn't sure if there were rules about that when running in a group. I noticed that most people had them, though. So I ran without music or sound, and instead filled my head with positive affirmations. I was determined not to let negative thoughts sneak in.

I was shocked- absolutely blissfully shocked- when RK announced that I had just finished mile 5 at 15:23 pace.  This is my fastest pace EVER!! And for it to happen on mile 5 is even more amazing... WOW! That pumped me up to finish the run strong.

I ended up with 5.77 miles. My RK split it up because it had gotten shut off in the middle. These are my BEST paces EVER and that's what matters for me. YOUR best paces are what should matter to you. Not what other runners are doing.. .they are running their own race.

Also for the first time EVER on a outside run I successfully did negative splits, meaning my second half was faster than my first. I really struggled with this before I started running the 'mill. That 'mill has it's purposes, though I much prefer running outdoors.

Mile 1: 16:33 (this is about 2 minutes faster than my usual 'mill times- crazy!)
Mile 2: 15:42
Mile 3: 15:55 (I took 2 longer walking breaks to eat my gummie bunnies)
Mile 4: 15:23
Mile 5: 15:56

90:01 minutes
Average Pace 15:50ish

In comparison on June 1st I ran 6.03 miles outdoors with an average pace of 17:53 with my fastest mile at 17:29. I'm totally blown away, full of gratitude and just amazed at how far I've come since then!

I'm not sure I'll do a lot of group running in the future. I like knowing that I'm not totally alone, but it's tough when everyone passes me and I'm left alone and miss the water truck. I did really enjoy the Greenline, but would feel safer running with someone.

For a long time I felt like I would never gain speed, and that I wasn't improving as a runner. But I kept going anyway. I slay negative self defeating thoughts with positive ones. I make up little fun chants to keep me going. Like- You Rock You Runner! I can't believe how awesome I am! It pays off when you least expect it. It's a sweet surprise. And it makes me push on, and keep on believing (cue Journey). Hope it's true for YOU, too!

Would you please take a moment and donate? Every little bit helps and goes to St. Jude. Connie's Heroes Team- Strong & Lean Ladies Thank YOU!

Happy Two Year Anniversary to me!

Today, November 11 marks 2 official years of Remission from ovarian cancer. In case you're wondering, I've been in Remission from my first diagnosis of endometrial cancer for 4 years and 8 months. I just counted that out for the first time today. My first cancer was treated with "just" a partial hysterectomy so the whole experience doesn't get a lot of attention. Which is perfectly fine, and I'm grateful that it was a relatively simple treatment for my body.

I'll talk more about that when I celebrate my 5 Year Remission Anniversary, though.

Survivors keep track of dates pretty well despite chemo brain. We have our own defintions of words like Remission. Some Survivors honor and remember the date they were diagnosed. Some celebrate or mourn surgeries, CT scan results and new treatment  courses. There are as many anniversaries as there are Survivors, and we all have different reasons and rhymes. Often times a special party or gift isn't required-though always nice. For me, it's more of a quiet private remembrance and opportunity for deeper gratitude. 

I did receive a special and treasured gift, though. My Angel of a Mom got me a 10" Andriod Tablet with a case that has an external keyboard. (No flowers or cashmere this year, onto new things!) This is the perfect gift and I absolutely adore it! In fact I'm using it to write this post. I've never used the Blogger app before... hope it works right! Thank you, Mom, for everything. I appreciate your unconditional Love, support and encouragement deeper than any words I could say or write.

I count this as my Remission Anniversary because it was on this day 2 years ago when my gyn oncologist first said that beautiful word to me. I had completed chemo 2 months prior, but wasn't given this treasured title until my body healed and I had a 'good looking' CT scan.

I remember sitting on the exam table, barely covered in a paper blanket with my mom sitting a few feet away in the chair that's too close to the door. My doc was reading the computer screen that was a couple feet from me, between mom and me. Doc was in the middle as if standing between my future health. Doc said it casually but Mom and I jumped on the word. Doc high fived me, and I hugged Mom even before getting dressed.  We were so relieved and grateful. And continue to be everyday. Remission is a daily gift, much like breath. There are no guarentees, only the joy of now.

I celebrated today with my family in a beautifully (now) typical Sunday. Church, lunch with most of the family and sweet moments of laughter with my Peeps at Mom's house. No one talked about Remission, we didn't have to. We're all grateful to be living in it. I spent the rest of the day doing life stuff- studying for Continuing Education exam, gratefully completing another Couch 2 5K workout (I ran for 3 whole minutes- twice!!), healthy dinner for 1, and phone conversations with a couple of dear friends.

I also indulged in a big frosted cookie and a luxurious bath in lavender.

A simple, peaceful day of gratitude for Remission, and all the men and women in our Military who have served, are serving and who will serve  in the future. I appreciate the daily sacrifices, and the ultimate sacrifices, the men and women of the Marines, Air Force, Navy and Army choose to make for the sake of Freedom. 

Test Result, Guilt and Inner Peace

Yes, I still remember that I'm a Blogger. No, I haven't forgotten about you, dear readers. Writing here often gets pushed down to the end of my list because there are so many other issues and people that deserve and require my attention. This blog is about me and I deserve attention too, of course. It's my therapy, and I hope that it serves as a kind of therapy for you. 

The other issue I've had with blogging is figuring out how to blog about all the things I want to write about and mix it together well. Oh, and I tend to over think things which can lead to procrastination. Can you relate? I'd really like to have the time and brain space to come up with a creative and pretty way to make it work.

In the meantime, I'm working on a clever title for a Facebook Fan Page (do I have fans???) for my Zen Method certification process and beyond (cue Buzz Lightyear voice). That will overlap into things I would blog about... and may actually spill into this blog when I have a lot to say. If you have any title suggestions, I'd love to hear them!! 

My last post had a cliff hanger, my CA-125 (ovarian cancer tumor marker blood test) results pending. A friend actually asked me about it last week. Yay someone is reading!! I have assumed, hopefully incorrectly, that all of my readers are my real-life friends or Facebook friends who have already heard this fabulous news. My apologizes. 

I'm very happy to share that my CA-125 result remains at *3*. Anything under 35 is considered 'normal'. I'm deeply grateful. And relieved because there's so much more I want to do and experience in this beautiful life.

A new friend, and Teal Sister, gently asked me recently if I ever feel guilty for being in Remission. I empathetically replied- YES! There are moments when guilt and unworthiness flood every part of me. I'd trade places with a any mother, or young girl, with ovarian (or any!) cancer in a heartbeat if I could. Children need their mothers, I certainly need mine and I'm in my 30s! And young girls deserve a chance to experience and create their lives without the burdens and scars of disease.

I could spend my mental and emotional energy on guilt, and it would just make me miserable and not help anyone. So I choose not to feel guilty or think guilty thoughts. It's a concentrated effort, truly a choice I make everyday. Sometimes I have to remind myself several times a day. Sometimes I cry for release. I ask God for help countless times each day. 

This year I've learned  how much power my thoughts hold. It boils down to these quotes:

I choose to be grateful, happy and at peace with myself and my Remission status every morning. I'm becoming  increasingly better at choosing which thoughts and emotions can stay and stopping those that don't serve me. It's work, it's mindfulness, it's sometimes really tough. It's worth it. I'm worth it. You are worth it. 

I've spent most of my life waiting for someone to fix me, to heal me, to tell me what to do next. I've realized this year- thanks to several Divine interventions- that I don't need to be fixed- I'm already whole and healed as part of The Divine. What I've really been waiting on is myself to realize that I am a deeply Love part of God, and that I have the ability to create the life I want with my thoughts. The first step is to get my thoughts under control, and then keenly focus on what I do want in my life. This requires, absolutely requires meditation of at least 1 form. It's taken me a very long time- over 30 years and 2 cancer journeys - to GET IT. But now I do and that's what matters. 

So instead of feeling guilty, I'm choosing to use my good health to advocate for my Teal Sisters of the past, current and future so that we all may blissfully live out our lives we choose for ourselves. I choose to laugh and play with my nieces and nephews, and wonder at their Light and young wisdom. I choose to think Loving and kind thoughts about people, even those that I disagree with or aren't particularly fond of for some silly human reason. I choose to seek and experience Peace. 

Enter in Inner Peace for Inner Tough's Zen Method certification journey.... Coincidence? Certainly not! 

Official Start Time

Today I officially started the training process for the St. Jude half marathon next December. I've talked about it a lot, meditated on it, said a lot of positive affirmations to myself, asked for guidance from dear friends who are seasoned runners and then realized there was only 1 thing left to do. Take action by actually starting to run.

For the first part of my training, I'm using the popular Couch to 5K. I've got the app for my phone which makes it very convenient. The weather is finally good for running in Memphis, and I'm so thankful. This is a 9 week program where I'll be doing run/walk intervals for a total of 30 minutes. This means that I'll finish this program right before Christmas. I didn't plan that, but I think it's pretty cool how the timing works out. I'll be able to run a 5K by Christmas, which will be an amazing gift to myself.

The first day run/walk felt good. I haven't run since the Ovarian Cancer Awareness Foundation's 5K at the end of September due to a sciatic event that occurred shortly afterwards. I'm healed now, and have learned from that injury. No more full out running down hill, my core needs strengthening, and stretch really well.

Today I started off feeling really strong, and felt almost easy. By the 6th of the 8 intervals my body felt the challenge. I talked myself through it with gratitude. It's truly amazing to me that I can run. It's even more amazing that I want to run. I'm deeply grateful that I can run. I imagined me and my friends at the St. Jude half marathon... all of us running together and drawing strength from each other. I'm so grateful to have friends are willing to travel to run with me.

I'll be running Tuesdays, Thursdays and either Saturdays or Sundays. On Tuesday and Thursday I'll add on upper body- including core- work, too. Mondays and Wednesdays I'll do low impact Tabata (intense intervals for 20 second followed by 10 seconds of rest, repeat) or HiiT (high intensity interval training which is short bursts of energy followed by short rest repeatedly about 10 times. I'll also add in, cautiously, Turbo Barre or floor work for my lower body. Fridays and Sunday or Saturday will be rest days.

I'll also continue daily with the Crane Dance created by Inner Peace for Inner Tough's Angella Hamiliton. (You can get a free download of this 6 minute calming yet powerful unique combo of Tai Chi and Qi Gong here.) This short 6 minutes is truly bringing more peace to my life.

Putting together a workout plan for the next 9 weeks feels really good. Having a physical goal that I'm able to work towards is a miracle.

11 Miracles

My Great Aunt and Uncle have been married for, nearly, 65 years. 6 5 YEARS. That's hard to imagine, but I think it's pretty neat. As I child I went to some of the parties their side of the family had, and they came to my family's big events. But I wasn't really close with their side of the family... always wished I had been though. So when I got an invitation in the mail a few weeks ago to their 65th Wedding Anniversary and Uncle's 90th birthday party I instantly wanted to go. 

I worked out the details and am leaving in the morning for a long car ride North. 

During the planning of this trip several miracles occurred. No Moses appearances or anything super big, but no miracle is bigger than any other. I've learned that recently. Oh, and miracles aren't all religious and churchy. They are sacred, though. Look around your life, I bet you can find a miracle or two also. 

Allow me to digress for a few lines here and say that up until recently I've been an introvert and am usually quite uncomfortable meeting new people. It's been my first line of defense against potential pain of various types, as it is with many other people. However, I'm pretty out-going online, if that can be considered out-going. These past months I've been like a caterpillar emerging from my cocoon as a butterfly in many different ways, pardon the over used metaphor. I've been expanding and changing... and somehow I'm becoming a kind of extrovert. And I like it. 

This is miracle #1. 

Because this first miracle happened... which is contingent on thousands of former miracles in my life.. the next miracles happened. This new extroverted me sent messages to a few online friends asking if they might like to meet. The positive response was overwhelming and humbling. Honestly, it took me back a bit... and I had to snuff out some negative thoughts about myself. Now I graciously accept that so many people from many walks of life- men and women- are excited to meet me. I am very excited and honored to be meeting them, too! Gratitude overwhelms me, truly.

These are miracles #2- 8. 

So a long weekend road trip has morphed into a 5 day road trip with 3 stops- and lots of details that needed to be ironed out- to meet 8 incredible people of Light and Love. I am filled with wonder and gratitude for all the friends that have appeared in my life over the past year. Welcome, dear ones, thank you for sharing this journey through Life with me and shining Light on the path. 

The fact that I'm excited about it and my mind is not filled with negative thoughts about myself at this very minute is miracle #9. Gosh darn it, people like me!! Props to Stuart Smalley. 

One of the stops I'm making is in the city I grew up in. There are hundreds of thousands of happy memories there, but there are also some very dark and scary memories too. I haven't been back there in 21 years as I didn't feel ready or willing to step back into that part of my past. I went through years of hypnosis and therapy to forget and cope with what happened to me in that city and to heal, and I didn't want that healing to start unraveling.

I have a couple of dear friends from high school that live there, though. Through the miracle of Facebook we've found each other again and became friends again (bonus miracle!). And I want to see them. So I'm going.

Healing doesn't unravel. I'm free from my past. I'm safe. I'm strong. I have control over my thoughts. My friends in that city have my back. These are truths that I know with every fiber of my being now. 

That's miracles #10 and 11.

I'm making a very conscious decision to go to that place and treat it as a new place to me. No driving by my old houses, no literal walks down memory lane... I'm creating a fresh experience in that place with the Love and Light of some very special friends. The past is the in the past, no one can hurt me there anymore. It's just a place. A place where friends of mine live. The city and my past holds no power over me. I am free from that negative energy. And I forgive.... thanks to Louise Hay's sage words:

"Forgiving someone doesn't mean that we condone their behavior. The act of forgiveness takes place in our own mind. It really has nothing to do with the other person. The reality of true forgiveness lies in setting ourselves free from holding on to the pain. It’s simply an act of releasing ourselves from the negative energy."

 

Teal 5K

The beautiful and busy TEAL month of September has somehow ended already. It was an incredible month of activity and advocacy to raise awareness of ovarian cancer which left me little time to write about it. Ironically when I was blogging regularly I didn't have much of a life, and now that my life is so rich and full I haven't much time for blogging. I'm grateful for this life I've created, and am committed to blogging much more often.

This tiny blog is about to play a big role in a project called The Zen Method that I am honored and excited about... but I'm getting ahead of myself.

My last post was right before Teal for a Cure, my first running/walking 5K. Last year this event, without the 5K, had 225 participants. This year with the 5K added in we had an astonishing 909 participants! It was a sea of glorious TEAL. It felt surreal being there with all those people... I felt like I missed so much of it even though I was there... overwhelming grateful to everyone who worked so hard to create and support event and for all the people who donated their money and sweat to raise awareness of ovarian cancer.

Before the Race started the cameras clicked...

My running guru for the hour, Susan. She knew when to push me and when to slow down. She rocks.

My 2 oldest Peeps, TEAL Princesses. They were so excited to be at the "Teal Walk'.

I wasn't well prepared for this Race in many ways. I started training way too late and pushed myself too hard. I didn't get much sleep for the whole month of September, especially the 2 nights before this Race. I didn't drink nearly enough water the morning of the Race, and only ate a banana. Mentally I pushed those things aside, but my body was not to be tricked. I was about out of steam and my body tried to tell me by setting my throat on fire when I woke up at 5am. 

So, I Raced unprepared, exhausted, un-hydrated (un??)... but I was determined to Race.

I ran in memory & honor of my friend, fellow Cathlete & Teal Sister who earned her teal Wings a couple days before this Race.

My new friend, and Teal Sister, Marie (pictured below) graciously and thankfully ran and walked along side me and Susan. She came from out of town to be a part of the event, and didn't know anyone. I know her mom, a graceful strong and kind woman, and so I befriended her. Marie has those same beautiful characteristics of her mom. I am honored that she stuck with me through the Race as I know she could have finished much faster if she choose to. That's what Survivors- despite the color of our ribbons- do for each other. We hang on, hang in, encourage, share... 

L- Leisa Middle- Marie R me

There were A. LOT. OF. HILLS. I heard seasoned runners call this course 'tough'. The first mile was all shady climb then it flattened out and the sun beat down on us. My running guru for the hour, Susan, was so encouraging and kind. She even made up a cheer for me to the Mickey Mouse tune' C O N N I E it's her first 5K! Yay!'. God love her. 

I didn't have time before the long walk up hill to the start line to grab my interval timer so decided to just wing it. Not so smart. So I ran as much as I could, but walked much more than I had intended. My body was exhausted and just wasn't going to be forced into a stellar performance. 

Then again, I WAS out there giving it my all ... and I'm quite proud of that. 

We hit the second water hole and I couldn't believe we were two thirds done! I had a burst of energy and thankfully we got back into shade. I pushed along... and then there was the 3 mile flag. JOY!! Susan encouraged me to run that last 0.1 of a mile- downhill- to the finish line... and we did. I ran as fast as I could and was pleasantly shocked to see 56 minutes on the timer. By some wonderful miracle I was going to finish in less than 60 minutes despite all the circumstances. 

My official time was 57:37. 

I'd love to say that I looked victorious crossing the finish line. You know, fist pumping in the air as I slide gracefully through the finish line with a bright smile on my face. That would have been a lovely story. 

Instead I crossed the finish line and threw up a little. And very ungracefully threw myself on the nearest piece of grass and collected myself. Susan got me an apple, my sister Sally (who also ran her first 5K and finished in 55 minutes!!) got me water, and a lady I didn't know fanned me. My brother in law's Uncle Steve stood by and made sure I was recovering... and I did. The apple and water helped a lot. I stretched some and rejoined the group for the event's finale. We released doves in memory of our Teal Angels, including the lovely Virginia.

If you'd like to see more pictures of the event, please LIKE the Ovarian Cancer Awareness Foundation's Facebook page. 

By 1pm I was sound asleep on my couch.. after a long nap and quiet evening I was proud to put on this handmade, specially made for me, bling shirt from my Florida friend Lesile. If you like her work, please LIKE her Facebook page. She will be happy to bling you up! I will wear this shirt often. Thank you, Lesile!!  

Cocoon Layers

In 2 days I will be running/walking a 5K, Teal for a Cure at the beautiful Shelby Farms. It's the first 5K that I'm running, though I've walked a 5K in the past. In my  'far away and with much heavier body before cancer' past.

It's astoundingly wonderful to me that my body as it is now is able to run. I'm in love with the notion that I can define running however I want and no 'running definition' policemen will hunt me down. I run slow, but both of my feet leave the ground at the same time and that- to me- is running. And I love the support and camaraderie of runners. It's great to have people encouraging me, the good for the soul kind of great.

However, I'm not new to working out, in fact I've been a proud Cathlete (avid fan of Cathe Friedrich's workouts) for over 12 years now. Though I share strong bond with my fellow Cathletes, the relationships- sadly- are mostly trapped in the Web. Oh how I wish it were different, though!! My workouts- as awesome and challenging as they truly are- are done in the privacy of my home. I'm generally not comfortable working out in front of people... But this running thing has changed me.

Or rather, this surviving cancer thing has changed me. Now I run in a public park in workout clothes instead of baggy cottons. Now I go to running shoe stores and run in front of strangers to find the great fitting shoes without anxiety. And I'm making running friends. Which feels strange but also very comfortable all at once. I've run with my youngest sister, Sally. And a new friend, who I met online and is a fellow blogger at I Run For My Life, Susan has graciously agreed to run Teal for a Cure with me. She's a seasoned marathon runner and a very sweet, fun and easy to talk to lady. I know she'll help me through the tough spots and keep me focused on the positives. You have my sincere gratitude, Susan.

I'm emerging from my cancer cocoon and realizing that the cocoon is made up of many layers. The latest layer has uncovered these gems of wisdom and change~

I'm not comparing my running to anyone else's, I'm enjoying that I CAN run while challenging myself with each run. I'm amazingly grateful.

The real me knows that it doesn't matter how much time it takes me to complete this 5K on Saturday morning. Sure, I'd like to finish in 55 minutes or less. Yet, I know the true joy and miracle is that I can run/walk 3.1 miles.

Although I wish I had the physique of a runner right now, but I won't let my frivolous ego hold me back. My body is changing... becoming leaner, stronger, faster, more flexible and healthier every week. How my body looks is such a tiny part of who I really am. It's reflecting in my self talk, which is a miracle in a true sense (not a sarcastic one).

Being a runner is in my soul, not my skin. Just like being a Cathlete. I just didn't realize it until I started running. My workouts and runs will show up on up outside soon enough, it was more important for the love of working out- and love of myself- get embedded in my soul.

Tomorrow I'm going to be interviewed on TV. I knew about the possibility a few days ago, but didn't really think it would happen. It's really happening now! Gulp. Wow!! Whoa. I'm honored to represent ovarian cancer Survivors,  the Ovarian Cancer Awareness Foundation, and the opportunity to use my Voice and story to raise awareness of this disease that's avoidable and treatable if caught early. Knowledge is TEAL power.

Awkward Anniversary

Yesterday marked the 2 year anniversary of my final chemo treatment. Which is wonderful. And kind of awkward. Yes, I had cancer twice. Yes, I consider myself a Survivor. I was a whole person with dreams, problems and a life before I had either cancers. Then for about 3 years I was a cancer patient. And now I'm an upgraded model of myself post cancer. Different dreams, different problems and a whole different beautiful life.

Cancer doesn't define me. It's a chapter in my life's story that has led me to now. Now is very good and I'm quite grateful for all the people, experiences and places that envelope my life.

I'm emerging from the cocoon of individual Survivor into a butterfly of advocacy for ovarian cancer awareness and research. Yes, I'm still a Survivor and always will be. Yet I want to let go of my ultra-personal relationship to cancer. Let go of daily thoughts and memories of it. Release the addiction I sometimes feel to my cancer story. I want to let go the story of who I was and what happened to me so I can open myself to the possibilities in the NOW.  It happened therefore I'm a Survivor and now I'm also an advocate...

I'm also a sister, a daughter, an Aunt, a friend, an educator, a car dancer, a runner, a Course in Miracles student, a blogger, an essential oils lover, a scrapbooker, a dreamer, and a believer in Love and God. Cancer does not define me. Cancer isn't what makes me interesting or special. It happened to me, I got treatment, I'm better now. I'm deeply grateful for the experience of cancer, and will apply what I learned from those experiences with me as I move forward with my life.

All of that is true, but then how shall I deal with these cancer anniversaries that tick in my head? This day I chose to celebrate by going to a Couch 2 5K graduation for my Teal Sister Deb and advocating to raise awareness of ovarian cancer and the upcoming Teal for a Cure 5K to the hundreds of women at the event. Then I went to my Yoga class which felt really wonderful. I spent the afternoon doing more advocacy work from bed in my comfy clothes. Then I ate a healthy dinner with a treasured friend, saw a second run movie and had an amazing discussion about Marianne Williamson's book A Return to Love after reading 2 chapters out loud to each other.

I celebrated by living my life, by making a point to enjoy it a bit more today.

Ringing the Bell at West Clinic 9/16/2010 to celebrate completing chemo

Days of Teal

I left you with the promise to share what Ovarian Cancer Awareness Foundation in Memphis is doing to raise awareness of OvCa this TEAL month of September, and I always keep my promises. 

Our next event is our monthly support networking group on Thursday Sept 20th 6:30pm at the Junior League building 3475 Central Ave just off Highland (near Univ of Memphis). We are having a guest speaker, Lynn Watson of Footsteps in Eden. She's going to tell us about reflexology, how it can play a role in treatment and post-treatment recovery, teach us some moves we can do on our own and give a demonstration of what a treatment is like for 1 lucky attendee. We'll have snacks and story sharing, too, of course. 

Next is the BIG ONE! Teal for a Cure 5K Walk/Run (or 1 Mi Fun Walk) at Shelby Farms on Saturday the 22nd starting at 8am (race starts promptly at 9am and will go around a paved Chickasaw Trail). There will be a silent auction, Dove release for Teal Angels, live music from the Wolf River Rednecks, Door Prizes, Teal Touch mini-massages, the unveiling of our new logo (it's AWEsome), and the Teal Corner shop. If you haven't registered yet, you can do so here. 

If you don't live around Memphis, and can't join us for the Walk, I'd deeply appreciate the support of your donation. You can be a spirit runner or walker for only $15 and you'll get a T-shirt, or you can simply donate to OCAF. But you know you want that Tshirt!!

Your donation will have greatly deep meaning to me this year for 2 reasons. First, I'll soon be celebrating 2 full years since completing and surviving chemo. This is gigantic! 

Second, for the first time ever in my entire life I will be running and walking this 5K. Yes, you read that right. I've let go of my old saying that I only run if I'm being chased. Now I run because I can. I run because my body is able to run. I run because I can make my own definition of running (I recently learned that you can make running mean and look like whatever you want to yourself). I run because I'm grateful to this body and soul that has been through the darkest of tunnels and come out to find abundant bright Light and Love.

I was inspired to start running just a couple of weeks ago by a Teal Sister, and blogger, Deb. She's been training using Couch to 5K and will be graduating from that program this Saturday morning. I'm going to cheer for her and celebrate that she CAN run with her. She's a little older than me and has a bit less time in remission than me, and so I could think of absolutely no reason I shouldn't at least try to run. 

And now I love to run. Well, I love that I can run then I start running and feel great for a little bit then it feels challenging  but then I stretch under the big trees in the park and get that glorious runner's high for the rest of the day and love it all over again.

So, would please support me in my first ever running 5K? 

My next post I'll share my complex feelings of being out of treatment for 2 full years, and even more Days of TEAL in Memphis with OCAF. 

Light and Love going out tonight, and always, to all the lives that were lost and forever altered by the events of 9/11/01. I saw this quote today and thought it fit in beautifully with my upcoming cancer anniversary and memorial of 9/11/01~ 

“There is a saying in Tibetan, 'Tragedy should be utilized as a source of strength.' No matter what sort of difficulties, how painful experience is, if we lose our hope, that's our real disaster." Dalai Lama XIV

 

1st Year Anniv

Happy anniversary, happy anniversary, happy happy happy anniversary- to ME!

Exactly one year ago today I heard the beautiful word REMISSION from my gynecologic oncologist. (Here's how I felt last year on this day.)

Formerly-my Marine sent me 2 dozen beautiful roses about a week ago to brighten the celebration. He was so sweet to include peach roses in honor of my first diagnosis of uterine cancer. They were gorgeous, and I deeply appreciate his gift and poetic note. Thank you for remembering and sharing a piece of the celebration, wherever you are serving our country. 

This morning I was really emotional, and had a few crying spells. I cried out of relief for continued Remission. I cried out of feeling overwhelmed with all the things happening in my life that I can't control. I cried over Veterans Day... missing my Bapa (may he Rest in Peace) and missing "my" Marine. I cried for the Survivors that I care about that are in the Fighting stage and aren't feeling the joy of Remission yet. And I cried for those Fighters who will never know the joy of Remission. I cried out of guilt.

Today was a day to celebrate, though. So I shed my tears and then moved forward.

I celebrated by sleeping a bit late, honoring Veterans by doing an oldie but goodie Cathe Friedrich workout called Bootcamp (it's a circuit workout with 8 cycles of 1 minute of cardio, upper body, lower body and core exercises), studying for next week's securities exam, an extra long shower with luxurious shea butter salt exfoliation...

 a delicious lunch of divine twin lobster tails and a shared brownie macadamia nut sundae with the best Caregiver in my world at Bonefish Grill (thank you, Mom!), and topped the celebration off with finding the perfect pair of trouser jeans that I've wished I could fit into for a long time. An absolutely lovely afternoon of celebration!! I'm filled with thankfulness.

I thought it would be interesting to see how my look has changed from the beginning of my second diagnosis in January of 2010 to today... I hope to get back to this first picture soon... but I know that old me is gone. This post treatment look and feel is completely different, and I'm still learning to love and accept this as I strive improve my body and health.

Pre- dx 2 in October of 2009 back in South Florida.

I moved home to West Tennessee in May of 2010, after radiation. Relay for Life in Fayette county was the following weekend. My mom and I shared a big hug before the walk began. 

The day I started chemo, my nephew was born. He was so sweet to wait until my first treatment was over so Mom and I could be there for him and his mama.

A couple weeks later my hair started falling out. This was the short haircut I got to try to delay the process and deal with it emotionally. That didn't last long... This was the night my sister Heidi, my mom and I had a margarita party and shaved my head. 

An interesting look for me... I was so thankful to have a new baby to snuggle up to.

A couple weeks later I got a wig. I only wore it once. It just wasn't me. 

I was just getting used to going bald in public and around the house when this picture was taken in July. 

By the end of July I had accepted being bald fairly well. I only kept these eyebrows and stray strands for a couple weeks. 

My last chemo treatment was 9/15/10 and I got to ring the big bell.  I felt so weak and sick standing out there in the sticky heat, but I was thankful that chemo was over.

Last fall I looked like a ghost. 

Last Halloween.... 

11/11/10- Remission-ing in celebration cashmere.

By early December I had some fuzz on my head again, and I was so glad though I didn't really like how I looked during the re-growth. I was thankful to have eyebrows again.

By January I could sport a faux hawk. I'm wearing my celebration cashmere sweater again here. Yay for cashmere in teal!

By March (remember my trip to Vegas?) I didn't look so much like a chemo patient anymore, thankfully.

By May I had short dark curls that were finally starting to look good to me. This was last year's Relay for Life shirt that my sister and I designed for the Team her employer sponsors every year.

  

August of 2011... curls starting to grow out which is wonderful and awkward too. Can you believe how big and adorable my nephew is now!? So many changes in just a year for both of us... 

Here's how the 'do looks today... the curls seem to be here to stay though I am getting some length. I can put some hair into a ponytail now. There's one curl in the front that does this annoying Michael Jackson thing. I really really hope that grows out soon.

 I'm wearing a new cashmere sweater in celebration of my first full year of Remission. I hope to have a dresser full of celebration cashmere sweaters...

I couldn't sleep the night before my port a cath removal surgery. What if the surgery left a big hole in my chest that never healed? What if I can't work out again? A big case of the what if's. I gave myself a self-Reiki treatment, read a few affirmations from Louise Hay's You Can Heal Your Life, and watched (aka previewed so I'm a little bit mentally prepared for it) a few DVDs from Cathe Friedrich's new Low Impact Series. 

I woke up with an uneasy feeling in my gut about going through with the port removal. I called a dear spiritual  friend and asked for guidance. He knows me very well and knew the right questions to ask to guide me to a calmer place and form a plan. I decided to go, but ask the surgeon some questions and then decide whether or not to have the surgery. My body, my choice. 

Cancer treatment can take away a lot of power and choices in your life. I didn't want to get the port put in, but I didn't get much choice. So in having it removed I wanted more control.

I believe in Angels among us. God blessed me with a sweet Survivor sister Angel as I checked in. I recognized her by her bright teal toenails. A sister in ovarian cancer Survival, Carol greeted me with a hug and asked what I was doing at West Clinic. She was there to pick up a CD of a recent test, so she had a little time. She met my mom and talked with us about the pros and cons of port removal. She understands the depth of such dilemmas. I felt much better after talking with her, and thankful that God always has His hand of love and comfort on me. 

I was foolishly surprised to get an IV stick. It hadn't occurred to me that port removal surgery would require an IV. Funny the things my mind thinks about and the things it completely disregards. Thankfully, the nurse only had to stick me once. Ouchie!! 

I waited with my mom for 90 minutes with the IV in my arm before I even got back to the surgery prep room. The nurse started the paperwork, and I asked questions. Apparently no one has ever asked these questions before, because she didn't know the answers. She asked a surgeon to come talk with me. She couldn't have been kinder or patient with me, and I deeply appreciate it. 

The surgeon was also kind and patient. He said there was no reason not to have it removed, and explained in great detail why and what would happen to my body after it was gone. There's no muscle involved, the port was subcutaneous (just under the skin). This is important info to me as a Cathlete. I didn't want to damage my hard earned muscles! I felt satisfied and decided to have it removed. 

As I started to undress I realized that I wore the wrong shirt. I wore long sleeve fitted shirt because it's a bit cool here. That was the wrong choice because it was painful and awkward to take off over my IV especially when I can barely move my arm. My mom had to help me. ha! 

I climbed onto a very narrow table that I'm surprised that I fit on. The nurse and 2 surgical techs got me and instruments prepped. I made jokes about blood spurting because they had my covered with blue medical paper and the CT scanner covered with a big shower cap like thing. Even though it was Halloween, no blood spurted out. I was given local anesthesia and something to help me relax, but I could feel pain-less pressure of the surgeon cutting out the port and was wide awake. Yep, that's right. It's an amazing and creepy feeling. The surgeon and I had a nice discussion about finance and in a few minutes I was free of the port. 

After it was out I felt the urge to see this port. The nurse cleaned it up and gave it to me to keep. It's like a cancer Survivor's medal of honor. Wanna see? 

Doesn't it look like a tiny computer mouse? It's about 8 inches long and it's about 1/2" thick. No wonder it stuck out of my chest so much! 

I'm relieved to have this foreign object out of my body, yet thankful for the service it provided to me during chemo. I'm going to keep it as a reminder and interesting show and tell piece. 

I'm counting down 10 more days until 1 full year of official remission. I have something fun and special planned for the blog that day. Meanwhile, here's a peek at how much my hair has grown since the last time I shared a picture. It's still dark and really curly, but I can almost put it in a ponytail. I have so much to be thankful for.... 

1 Year Chemo- Free Cancerversary

Today is a special cancerversary for me. A year ago today, at exactly this time, I was getting my final chemo treatment. I was completely bald, and at the point having great pain in the bones of my legs, my feet were numb most of the time, I was very tired and very weak. Still, I was thankful that I had a loving family, especially my Mom who is the best Caregiver in the universe!!, a God who comforts, heals and loves me, sisters who made me feel confident in my beauty to be out in public completely bald and who kept me laughing, for my Peeps who showered me with their love and support in their own special and innocent toddler ways, new and old friends who cheered me on from near and far, and for the precious gift of life even though I was sick. 


Here's a look back at my very first post when I looked like a ghost. (That's right, I'm a poet too. ha!)
http://cancerasmycatalyst.blogspot.com/2010_10_17_archive.html


A year later and I've been in remission just over 10 months. I have a full head of very curly and darker brown hair. I still get tired sometimes, but it's happening much less often. I'm thankful for the energy level I have now, because I still clearly remember what it feels like to not have any energy. I'm still thankful for all the blessings in my life, and I'm grateful that over the last year that list has grown. I'm thankful to own my own business though I work hard and long hours, I get to choose the days and times I work. Sometimes I even get to work in my PJs! I also  get to choose who I work with and when, and I have the opportunity to be Leader and invest my energy into motivating other people to dream big and create wealth for themselves. I'm thankful to my body for amazing me as I completed Cathe's Shock Training System. I'm thankful that I get to spend  a day a week with 2 of my Peeps, and help my sister. 


I find myself with lots of tears today. Tears of joy. Some from the painful memories of chemo. Some for the people I know that won't get to celebrate a year free from chemo, or cancer. Some tears of guilt and confusion.Some of overwhelming thankfulness.  


And some of frustration with my body. About 3 weeks ago I had my first ever sciatica flare/issue/pain. For about a week it was excruciating to stand or walk, or do just about anything else.  Slowly, my body is healing thanks to 2 reflexology treatments and Young Living's essential oils. I haven't been able to work out, and it's extremely frustrating. Cathletes NEED their daily sweat and burn fix!!


Truth is that this sciatica issue, in my left leg, reminds me all too much of the pains of chemo. Instead of the crushing bone feeling, though, I have a burning cord feeling down the back of my leg. My left heel is partially numb. So even though I've come sooooooooooo far in a year, at this moment I'm not feeling it. There's a little voice in the back of head what's wondering if I'll ever be able to work out with Cathe Friedrich's DVDs again. Will I ever walk 100% normally? Will this numbness melt away? These are questions I was asking myself a year ago. It never occurred to me that I'd ask them again.


 I'm healing and I'm believing that I will walk normally again and have normal healthy body again. It happened once, right? 


Happy cancerversary to me! Here's to more cancerversaries to Fighters and Survivors everywhere!! 

http://www.cafepress.com/+fighters_survivors_taken_1_oc_white_tshirt,255977068

Overdue Results, as promised

I've been a proud Cathlete for last 12 years. My final chemo treatment- for my second round of gynecologic cancer in 2 years- was September 15 in 2010. Seven months later on April 11 I had recovered enough to start on a fitness journey that I had been longing to go on for years. Cathe Friedrich's STS, or Shock Training Program. Initially, it was 14 week, or 3 1/2 month, commitment. It became a 17 week process for me due to some travelling. It's a 3 stage strength training program- endurance, hypertrophy, and strength. It was an amazing and surprising journey!!

When I started my body was quite weak, but my Spirit was- and still is!- strong and enduring. I choose this program because I wanted stronger muscles, and I wanted to earn back the (self) title of 'Cathlete'. During my second cancer's treatment I wasn't able to exercise very often and I missed it deeply. I wanted to follow a strength training program to combat the damage that chemo and radiation treatment did to my bones. Did you know that chemo often leads to bone loss? STS was the perfect fit for my goal.

I'm also on a weight loss journey, but I felt like gaining muscle and feeling my physical strength grow was more important than focusing on shedding pounds. Cathe helped me lose 75 pounds 8 years ago, and 20 more pounds in the last year. I have 50 more pounds that I'm in the process of losing, and I have no doubt that I will reach that goal thanks to Cathe's ultra effective DVDs and very helpful articles about living healthy.

Back to the STS results... I actually have noticeable tricep and bicep muscles!! This totally thrills me!! When I started STS the heaviest bicep curl I could do was 16 pounds. The heaviest week of STS I was curling 45.2 pounds. Crazy awesome!! When I started STS I could only do push- ups from the easiest knee position, and after STS I can do 6 full reps from my toes!! Astounding!! When I started STS the most I could chest press was 14 pounds, and during the heaviest week of STS I was benching 60 pounds! Totally amazing!!

The endurance and strength that my legs built up is the most incredible to me, but harder to measure because I substituted other Cathe leg DVDs for the Meso cycle 3. Meso cycle 3 is mostly plyo moves and my kness can't handle that kind of impact since chemo. When I first started with STS I couldn't hold any weight in my hands during any of the paper plate lunges, and I had to modify the depth of the move. At the end of STS, I could do the full Pyramid Lower Body lunges using 16, 22 and 30 pounds. That's the best comparison I can put together. When I started STS the heaviest weight I could squat with was 25 pounds, and at the end of STS I could do the full PLB squats using 30, 35 and 45 pounds.

I've never ever been this strong, and I absolutely love it!!! I recently had a bone density test as a post-cancer treatment follow up, and I'm very grateful to say that my bone density is completely normal!

Thank you, Cathe, from the bottom of my heart, for creating such an awesome strength building program. It gave me something to look forward to during treatment, and helped me create the strongest body and mind I've ever had in my life. I know I'll reach my weight loss goals by continuing to follow your lead.

Starting Again. Again.

Where to start? I have so much to share with my dear Readers, but haven't the time. Same ol' story, I know.

I'm working on refreshing this blog and bringing it back. Again. Please look on the right side of the screen... My dear friend Sarah drew this piece of me in celebration of Remission. She'll be writing a Guest Post about her inspiration for this beautiful piece soon!

I'm 18 days away from a full year since chemo treatments. I can't believe it's been a year!! I've glossed over many cancerversaries the past several weeks. Though they each have deep meaning to me, my focus has been elsewhere. I think that's a good sign. I've focused mostly on my business, but also on finishing Cathe Friedrich's Shock Training System (STS) and releasing negative emotions through Young Living essential oils and writing in my journal.

Remission is beautiful and full. I thank God every single day for this amazing life, even on the days when I'm not feeling particularly grateful because human life is sometimes challenging. Those are the times when it's most important to have a grateful heart.

Cleaning it Up

I think it's time to shake up the blog a bit. My posts have been pretty heavy lately. Life isn't so serious. I make time for fun and yummies, too. In fact laughter and clean healthy whole foods are great for healing processes. But you already knew that, right? 

Last Sunday I took inventory of my freezer and pantry then sat down with my Clean Eating, Oxygen and Eating Well magazines and came up with a plan. I need quick dishes that are rich in protein and veggies because life is wonderfully full but I still want to eat healthy. I like lots of nutritional bang from the time I put into the kitchen.

I made the following 3 recipes in about 2 hours. Seriously, just 2 little hours. You have 2 hours to devote to eating healthier, don't you? 

Burger Mix (from Oxygen's Collector's Issue Summer 2005) (I quad'ed the org recipe for the week)

 16oz extra lean ground beef (I use grass fed)

2 cups brown rice (already had it cooked and frozen so it was super easy)

1 c chopped onion

15 oz can of no salt added diced tomatoes

I added a little big of Greek seasoning and ketchip too. Yum! 

My mom wanted me to try replicate a Garbanzo bean Salad she had at catered event last week.

2 cans organic Garbanzo beans

1/4 c unsweetened dried cherries

1 big can of artichoke hearts

1/2 red onion, diced

1/2 bunch of parsley, chopped

1 clove of garlic 

4 oz goat cheese

1/3 c chopped walnuts

Then I whisked together organic oilive oil and organic apple cider vinegar to hold it together. Mom said I nailed it! Woot!! 

The last thing I 'cooked' today came from Eating Well's June 2010 issue:

Broccoli, Ham and Pasta Salad

6 ounces of dry whole wheat noodles

4 cups broccoli (I steamed a bag of frozen, because raw brocc doesn't work well at my house)

6 ounces nitrate free ham and turkey lunch meat (instead of diced ham)

large red pepper, diced

1/3 c red onion, finely diced

1/3 c raisins

Creamy Herb Dressing

1/2 c low fat mayo

1/3 c nonfat plain yogurt (I used Greek, and therefore could have easily halved or eliminated the mayo)

1/4 c lowfat sour cream

3 T rice vinegar (could sub white wine vin)

1 T Dijon mustard

1 T honey

1/2 T dried chives (or fresh)

1.5 tsp tarragon or dillweed

1/2 tsp onion and/or celery salt (I just used onion powder)

white pepper to taste

Mix it all up! 

I've got a little of the Burger Mix and Garbanzo Bean salad left to get me through the weekend. Which reminds me, I'll need to make a plan for next week soon. 

What's your clean eating plan for next week?

I finished Cathe Friedrich's STS (Shock Training System) yesterday. I'm so proud of myself! I made fantastic strength gains on a few different levels, but that's the next post. 

Don't miss it!