Empowered and Embarrassed

I haven't lost any weight. In fact, I've gained weight. This has happened to me before, and it's always a signal that I'm not committed enough to losing. Scientifically weight loss is about burning more calories than I consume. That's the nice neat way of thinking of weight loss, and it makes the whole thing sound very easy. After defeating cancer twice I think that losing weight is harder than surviving cancer for me. During my cancer treatments I wasn't in control, for the most part, and just had to survive the treatments. Weight loss is all about having control over myself. It forces me to choose between emotional eating or obeying my body's hunger. I have triumphant moments when it's easy to recognize emotional eating and stop it in it's tracks. Yet I still have moments when I'm eating to make myself feel better in some way. I do it knowing that it doesn't really help ease any sadness, fill any voids, or help me in any way. In fact, eating emotionally does harm to my mind and my body. Perhaps it's a form of self-punishment...?

So, I'm faced with a choice between re-committing to weight loss and going forward full force into the holiday season, my birthday, and a week long trip; or focusing on maintaining the weight I am now, appreciating my body for all it's done and accomplished the past year, and finding happiness with my body as it is right now.

Honestly, I'm not thrilled with either one of these choices. I am thankful that my body survived cancer treatments. I am thankful for it's resilience and ability to heal. I'm thankful that I can walk with less pain now. I'm thankful that my body is able to do Cathe Friedrich workouts. I'm thankful that my body is able to grow hair again. I'm thankful that my body is strong enough to lift weights and improve it's cardio endurance. I'm thankful I can move and stretch again.

I'm also embarrassed by my body- the rolls, the scars, the stretch marks. I look at myself and see years of emotional eating and poor choices piled on. I see years of trying and failing to lose weight. My body doesn't reflect the person I am inside, but at the same time it is a result of my choices. It's enough to make my head blow up.

The lifestyle choices that I made in the past caused me to be overweight which played a role in my first and second cancers. The article Obesity and Cancers: Questions and Answers from the National Cancer Institute explains how. I realize that my weight wasn't the only factor in my cancer diagnosis, but it's the only thing I have any control over. It's empowering and embarrassing knowledge. My increased risk of a third recurrence should be enough motivation to lose weight. If I was a hermit it would be easier, but thankfully I'm not a hermit. Okay, so I have some hermit-like tendencies. That's just me, I've never claimed to be a social butterfly.

I will find a way to commit to losing weight despite the holidays, my birthday, my upcoming trip, and the jumble of my emotions and stress. When it comes right down to it, there's no other logical, reasonable, or responsible choice. Cancer is truly my catalyst for losing weight and improving my health. I think I'll make an appointment with the cancer nutritionist soon, too.

Exercising & Countdown

Another countdown is winding down and somehow it's still not quite sinking in. My sister and brother-in-law have moved to Texas and by now have probably unpacked just about everything. Their kids, my Peeps, will be moving this weekend. The new branches have budded out from the family root. I didn't realize how hard it is to deal with people in my family to move away! I've been the one that moved away in the past seeking change, adventure and new-ness. However, when I moved away it was just me going, not me + Peeps going. That's a radical difference. I'm (slowly) beginning to embrace this change and turn my focus on a new way of living and the opportunities it opens up. Meanwhile, I'm cherishing every moment, even the tense ones, with 'my' Peeps.

Exercising is giving my stress and sadness an outlet. Plus, I just plain love doing it. I started out exercising to lose weight over ten years ago, and then I fell in love with it. When I exercise I'm choosing to love myself, to increase my self esteem, to decrease my chance for a third cancer recurrence, and to deal with stress in a healthy way. Exercise is also an escape and a retreat for me. I can shut the world away and turn my attention to my workout. I am so thankful I'm able to enjoy all the benefits of exercising again! I couldn't exercise through much of my cancer treatment this year which was really tough for me, but that gave me the gift of refreshed gratefulness when I exercise now.

I've been sticking to the workout schedule I created for this week. This is what it looks like~
Sunday- (done) Rodney Yee's AM Yoga for your Week, the hip opener series
Monday- (done) Repeat Sunday's Yoga and 30 minute Boot Camp from Cathe Friedrich's 4 Day Split series
Tuesday- (done) Full body weight workout- Cathe's Super Sets
Wednesday- (done) 5 interval cycles using a step which takes 30 minutes- Cathe's IMax2
Thursday- (done) 30 minutes of kick boxing from Cathe's 4 Day Split series immediately followed by Rodney Yee's Beginner's Yoga, the 20 minute rejuvenating session
Friday- (planned) Full body weights- Cathe's Push/Pull
Saturday- (planned) Low Impact cardio- either Cathe's Lower Intensity Step or Petra Kolber's Cardio Core workout from FitTV

What does exercise mean to you? How does working out improve your life? What are your favorite workouts? Yes, I really want to know!